SUPERBITCH

THE RECOVERY ROAD

2012-01-20T22:28:00.000-08:00

My road to recovery from Co-dependency has not been an easy road. I’ve been forced to take a hard look at myself in the mirror and I have chosen to work on aspects of myself that were causing me hardship and pain. Over the past four years I feel I have made tremendous progress. But never for one moment think that you have arrived, for just when you think you are doing great, something will crawl out of the woodwork and bite you on your arse! My past speciality dish was always drug-addicts and alcoholics. If there was one within a 20 kilometre radius of me they would find me. Like a heat-seeking missile they would go straight for the jugular with their twisted charms, and I – the ever-ready Co-dependent just looking for someone to take care of – would step up to the challenge with not so much as a battered eyelid. I would fall under their spell and the contract would be sealed. So my recovery has been hard, because as a mother one tends to want to take care of others. When a family member found himself on hard times about a year ago, I stupidly jumped to the rescue and bailed him out. What the hell was I thinking? I felt so guilty and responsible for this adult that I went against every grain in my being and allowed him to live with me for 5 months while he got himself together. If only I had taken my own advice: “The only adult you are responsible for is yourself!” Living with this family member was hell. Was he a drug-addict/alcoholic? I’d bet my bottom dollar on it, although everyone else in the family would deny it (sound familiar?) So there I was, resenting all the care-taking I was doing, and trying to get rid of this person from my home. Unfortunately we were a bit mixed up in a family business at the time – another extremely bad judgement call on my behalf. Damn, I could really just kick myself sometimes! Anyhow, the little squid eventually moved out of my home. Satisfied that he was back on his feet and able to take care of himself I tried not to rock the boat but tried, instead, to “keep the family peace”. Ha! Who was I kidding? When the little squid had gotten everything out of me that he could and realized I was not parting with another cent or any more support for that matter, the threats, hate-mail and intimidation started. Eventually he became so aggressive I was forced to get an attorney involved. But that just proved yet another total waste of money because Squid just simply disregarded everything the attorney suggested in an attempt to settle things amicably. Eventually he got what he wanted, not because I folded, but because I just ran out of energy fighting the squid. Sometimes it really is best just to walk away from a fight, even if the other party “wins”. I really do have much better things to focus my energies on. To say that I felt violated, abused and angry would be a gross understatement, but let’s face it: I really did bring it all upon myself! Had I just left the little squid to choke on his own vomit in the gutter which he had fallen into all by himself (do you sense that angry tone too?) then he would have been forced to make his own plan and would probably have developed a lot more self-respect in the process of saving himself. But no! This recovering Co-dependent had to backslide and dive to the bloody rescue! (Note to self: next time let the squid choke on his own vomit!) I know the boy has a drinking problem, but I couldn’t help but think the problem was bigger than that. So I picked myself up, dusted myself off and returned to the mirror where I asked myself: “Self, what the hell were you thinking diving to the bloody rescue? Have you learned nothing in the past four years of your recovery???” So I fell off the wagon. Alcoholics do it all the time! I got back to the mirror and began working on myself again, determined to beat this and stop rescuing people. When we backslide and start taking care of other people, ignoring our own needs, it helps to remind ourselves what we really want from life for ourselves. Just to make sure I didn’t forget about what I really wanted for my own life, I made a huge poster outlining my personal goals and stuck it up next to my mirror where I couldn’t miss it. It helped. Two months later I was rearing to go, made some life changes and adjustments and actively began pursuing my personal goals. For the first time in my life I felt liberated. I was doing something for MYSELF, not for anyone else. I was not supporting, promoting, fixing, taking care of or nurturing anyone else in my career but myself. Damn it felt good. And scary! Then all the self-doubt began to creep in. Could I really do it? Did I really have what it took? Was I really talented enough, clever enough and wise enough? Days before my bold move into my full-time new career fear engulfed me and almost completely immobilized me! I could hardly breathe let alone think! I began having panic attacks and insomnia. But I was determined to stick to my guns no matter what and I made huge sacrifices to move into that arena. But something else was bugging me in the periphery of my life and I couldn’t put my finger on it. There was something I wasn’t seeing, acknowledging or taking responsibility for and it kept bugging me. Slowly but surely it became self-evident and it horrified me! How could I have missed that? How could I have been so blind to that thorn in my own flesh? It had to take a huge drama for me to take a closer look and really see what else was going on in my life. But I learned something very valuable about the experience and I saw something else about myself that I never saw before. I never realized it at the time, but there was a very significant person in my life showing me another aspect of Co-dependency I never actually knew existed! To be continued....
www.amoursetter.com
www.amoursetter.blogspot.com

WHO IS THE REAL AMOUR SETTER?

2011-12-23T20:19:00.000-08:00

Who are we really? Are we authentic individuals at all times or do we hide behind a public persona? Do the people we work with really know who we are, or do many of us work hard at hiding who we really are from those around us?
I recently read with amusement what a cyberstalker posted on her Facebook wall about me. Initially some rather ridiculous comments were posted on my book’s Facebook page, hence the fact that I was able to click through to her FB page. I was referred to as a “con-artist” and “liar” and the comments further suggested that everyone should take the time to google me. The stalkers in question were none other than my ex of thirteen years ago and his current girlfriend. The lovely comments on Facebook continued to be posted everywhere by these two most unsavoury characters, who seemed to have nothing better to do with their lives than stalk me. The start of the stalking coincided with a court case I brought against my ex for non-payment of child support for eleven years. Be that as it may, I thought I’d raise the question publicly: Who is the REAL Amour Setter?
My ex and his side-kick love to refer people to a defamatory internet article written about me in 2007 following the implosion of a business deal I entered into with an Arab in the Middle East. What ensued is no big secret. The Arab had me detained for 7 days on trumped-up charges which included “running away” from my sponsor. Suffice to say that a Western Feminist was not well-received in those parts. To add insult to injury, the rotund Arab and his concubine then instigated what he thought was a most damaging internet smear campaign against me. His friends hopped onto the comments section of the article and fabricated some rather far-fetched hog-wash in an attempt to discredit me. I was accused of being a con-artist, a thief and a screw-over. At the time I was devastated to read what these rogues had written about me, but every cloud has a silver lining. Someone once told me that any publicity (no matter how negative) is good publicity, and he wasn’t wrong! After the initial shock of the smear campaign wore off, I recovered my composure, bounced back, and success followed me everywhere . I published my first book, The BITCH’S Guide to Dating, which developed a huge global following. My blogs began appearing everywhere and my rankings began to score high. My business won nine awards, including a prestigious international award and my internet presence expanded daily. It turned out the so-called damaging article actually counted in my favour and brought me a great deal of global attention! I love irony, don’t you?

My enemies will accuse me of everything under the sun, but the people who really know me will know of my journey to hell and back, where I literally worked on myself day and night in an attempt to reach a place of inner peace and serenity. It is also no secret what a diabolic Co-dependent I used to be. I blog about my recovery all the time. With the help of a support group (Al-Anon) and working the 12-step program I finally came to a place of self-acceptance and self-love. In the past I would be attracted to screwed-up substance abusers and alcoholics, where as today I can spot them a mile away and when I do, I run like hell in the opposite direction!

Today I travel the world as a film director and I’m finally living my dreams. It has taken great courage to get to where I am. I have worked hard on expanding myself as an individual. I spent years making huge sacrifices and I've paid the price to have my freedom. I am not stuck in a dead-end job. I am not stuck in a dysfunctional relationship. I do not suffer from substance abuse problems and I have never been convicted of a felon of any kind. I am a firm believer in Prosperity Consciousness. Above all I believe that we each create our own realities. I do not feel the need to constantly defend myself against attacks from vindictive and resentful people. One simply has to take a look at the life circumstances of such people to know that their negative spewing simply serves to keep them locked in their chains of victimhood.
Am I perfect? Of course not! I snap when I’m irritable, I yell when I’m angry, and I do all the things regular people do in life that makes them human. You deserve what you have in life because you create your own reality by your thoughts, words and deeds. For every person out there who loathes me, I have probably ten people who don’t, so it all balances out in the end. The REAL Amour Setter is simply following her dreams, living her bliss and helping other women to find their inner voices. Anyone can be great. All it takes is courage, focus and the willingness to overcome your circumstances and be everything you were meant to be. I always tell people that confidence is everything in life. When you believe in yourself you can do anything, achieve anything. What I’ve learned in the last few years is that it’s also vitally important not to give a rat’s arse what others think of you. You’d be crazy to expect everyone out there to like you. If you are achieving great things and being a success you are going to have enemies. That’s life. The important thing is to keep focusing on your own life, keep working at expanding yourself and keep believing you can make it, no matter what! Keep moving towards your dreams because the Universe applauds action.
Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.blogspot.com
www.amoursetter.com

AS THE YEAR DRAWS TO A CLOSE

2011-12-18T02:44:00.001-08:00

As the New Year approaches once again, it’s time to look back at how far we’ve come. Each year I do this exercise I’m pleasantly surprised at the good progress I’ve made. In the past I would just live and cope, but today thankfully I have slowed down to smell the roses along the way. 2011 has been a very interesting year for me. I have found closure to old emotional wounds, I’ve made life-changing decisions regarding my career and future, I’ve learned to stand up for myself more and I’ve learned how to take more control of my life. One thing that stands out for me during 2011 is how much fun I’ve had. Travelling the world while making films has always been my life-long dream and finally I’m living that dream. This was the year when I also realized that material possessions mean very little to me. I’ve always had large homes filled with loads of stuff and finally I was able to get rid of my old junk, excess stuff and simplify my life; a most liberating exercise indeed! As a recovering Co-dependent I am still learning to let go and let be, and every day life presents me with opportunities to practise this. Emotionally I’ve had to overcome huge obstacles this year, particularly in areas concerning family members. Learning to love my extended family members unconditionally remains my greatest challenge, especially those family members who are still actively abusing drugs and alcohol. As every conscious recovering Co-dependent will know, substance abusers require Co-dependents in their lives to take care of them emotionally (and often financially). Learning to exercise tough love towards these particular family members has been very hard and I constantly have to remind myself that we do not need to do things for other adults that they can and should do for themselves. 2011 has also been a year of answered prayers. I prayed for a Mentor and the Universe sent me several for which I am eternally grateful. These particular individuals have positively influenced and shaped my life in very blessed ways. (Ken, Merlin, Ric, Eleanor & Uncle D - thank you for your constant presence in my life!) I feel honoured and grateful to have met them all. Today I feel stronger and more focused than I did a year ago. What you focus on certainly expands! If you are willing to remain focused on your dreams and goals, willing to make the relevant sacrifices to reach those goals, and above all if you choose to surrender and trust that you will achieve your goals, the Universe supports you every step of the way. I am finally living my dreams and following my heart. It has not been easy. There have been many obstacles to overcome along the way & many sacrifices that I’ve had to make. But in the wise words of Walter Scott “He is the best sailor who can steer within fewest points of the wind, and exact a motive power out of the greatest obstacles.”
May 2012 bring you renewed hope, more strength and courage to pursue your goals and may you continue to be grateful for all the wonderful people and things in your life as you draw closer to your dreams of living your best life!

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com
www.amoursetter.blogspot.com

WHY STALKERS STALK YOU

2011-12-18T01:24:00.000-08:00

My last blog addresses a personal issue I am currently experiencing with stalkers. An ex from 13 years ago and his girlfriend, to be precise. For 11 years the lout completely disappeared off the face of the earth to avoid paying child-support, but then we found him and all hell broke loose. His arse was hauled to court and the stalking and obsessive behaviour started and has not abated since. What’s more concerning is the fact that his current girlfriend has joined in the stalking. Whoa! Creepy!!!
According to Wikipedia, “Psychologists often group individuals who stalk into two categories: psychotic and non-psychotic. Stalkers may have pre-existing psychotic disorders such as delusional disorder, schizoaffective disorder, or schizophrenia. Most stalkers are non-psychotic and may exhibit disorders or neuroses such as major depression, adjustment disorder, or substance dependence, as well as a variety of Axis II personality disorders (such as antisocial, avoidant, borderline, dependent, narcissistic, or paranoid). Some of the symptoms of "obsessing" over a person is part of obsessive compulsive personality disorder. The non-psychotic stalkers' pursuit of victims can be influenced by various psychological factors, including anger, hostility, projection of blame, obsession, dependency, minimization, denial, and jealousy. Conversely, as is more commonly the case, the stalker has no antipathic feelings towards the victim, but simply a longing that cannot be fulfilled due to deficiencies either in their personality or their society's norms.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking)
Moreover, in "A Study of Stalkers" Mullen et al.. (2000) identified five types of stalkers:
• Rejected stalkers pursue their victims in order to reverse, correct, or avenge a rejection (e.g. divorce, separation, termination).
• Resentful stalkers pursue a vendetta because of a sense of grievance against the victims – motivated mainly by the desire to frighten and distress the victim.
• Intimacy seekers seek to establish an intimate, loving relationship with their victim. To many of them the victim is a long-sought-after soul mate, and they were 'meant' to be together.
• Incompetent suitors, despite poor social or courting skills, have a fixation, or in some cases, a sense of entitlement to an intimate relationship with those who have attracted their amorous interest. Their victims are most often already in a dating relationship with someone else.
• Predatory stalkers spy on the victim in order to prepare and plan an attack – often sexual – on the victim.
Even if you made bad relationship choices in the past (as I clearly did), that does not give your ex license to stalk you. Cyberstalking is often difficult to prove. Only when the stalkers actually leave comments on your pages or profiles or make public comments on the internet about you do you have any proof of the stalking. In my case I knew my ex and his girlfriend were stalking me as they simply knew far too much about my personal life. When the girlfriend started leaving abusive comments on one of my Facebook pages (and posted a copy of a letter I sent my ex a year ago about our son), that was all the proof I really needed. Telling a stalker to stop stalking you is like telling a fish to stop being a fish. All you can do is try to protect yourself and hope the person or persons dig a deep enough grave to fall into and expose and embarrass themselves in the process. And of course you can always get a court interdict against them, but if the stalkers are anything like mine, well, they have absolutely no regards for the law anyway. On the one hand I suppose one could feel flattered that people find you so fascinating, but on the other hand knowing that a severely damaged individual focuses so intently on your life does leave one feeling very “creeped” out. If anything I guess this is good fodder for a script for a Horror flik 
Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

MOVING ON...

2011-12-17T04:16:00.000-08:00

As a former Co-dependent, I am often reminded of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. In the past I would accept abuse, but today I’ve learned to stand up for myself. I know who I am and I don’t need anyone else to validate my sense of self-worth anymore. What others think of me really doesn’t matter. What’s important is what I think of me. And I happen to really like the person I am. Not only do I have healthy self-esteem, but I am also having a wonderful life, living my dreams and expanding myself as a human being.
Recently I found myself face to face with a former lover, whom I broke up with 13 years ago. The guy is currently in a relationship, but clearly hasn’t moved on, since he still stalks me & blames me for his messed-up life! Are we not each responsible for our own happiness and lot in life? Should we not try, at the very least, to heal our own wounds from relationships that don’t work and make an effort to move on? Soon after I ended the relationship with this particular man, he disappeared off the face of the earth, much to the chagrin of my son whom he had officially adopted during our relationship. Surprisingly we found him 11 years later and my son tried to have a relationship with him, to no avail. The man – still a drug addict after all these years – spent every available moment of his short time with my son running me down and trying unsuccessfully to convince my son that I had completely ruined his life. Gosh, I am deeply flattered that anyone would give me so much power over their lives! To complicate matters my 16 year old son took his adoptive father to court for non-payment of child support for 11 years. The man walked away with a suspended sentence and yet another court order. Now a normal person under the circumstances would accept the inevitable. If you adopt a child surely you are morally and legally obliged to care for that child with, at the very least – financial support. His current girlfriend (whom I have never met in my life before) shares his bizarre obsession with me and admitted stalking me via an unwanted text message I received from her. Don’t they have anything better to do? Are their lives really that miserable and empty? Life does not always deal us great cards. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations we can’t stand, but at some or other point in time we have to take responsibility for the decisions we choose to make in life. In a recent email I received from him he admitted that he would never let go of his anger and feelings of malice towards me and wrote that he was looking forward to my death. Creepy! When you repeatedly receive unwanted emails with such strong verbalisations of deeply negative feelings, it’s time to somehow put an end to it. A court restraining order comes to mind. But no matter how many court orders are thrown at the man, who was recently arrested for drug possession on top of his many other crimes, I doubt he will ever learn how to move on. One thing I’ve learned in life is that people who abuse drugs abuse life and its many beautiful privileges. Quite frankly years of drug abuse can only serve to destroy brain cells and break down the personality. Science proves this over and over again.
My drug-addicted ex and his current girlfriend are probably reading this blog, so I guess I should add a personal message to my internet stalkers: “Jonathan and Anastasia: Take responsibility for your past decisions in life and learn how to move on. Life is what you make of it. Try to use your energy for self-empowerment and upliftment. If you are miserable in life, you only have yourselves to blame! And please, find another pastime besides stalking me. Life is really filled with interesting pastimes if you look hard. ” There. I said it.

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

ARSEHOLE RADAR

2011-09-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

You’d be forgiven for thinking I’m a man-hater when I tell you about the new device I’m about to launch. It’s the world’s first Arsehole Radar. Now before you start flinging insults at me and muttering abuses under your breath, let me explain how this device works and why you need it. Firstly, you need to appreciate that men and women are wired very differently. You’ve all heard me going on and on and on about Oxytocin and how it chemically bonds you to a man after sex. Well, this device is specially for those girls who cannot keep their knickers on but choose to give into temptation early on in the dating game. The reason they need it is because nothing much else penetrates their skulls after they’ve started doing the deed. You all know the drill. Your best friend is dating the Biggest Arsehole and she can’t see it. Why? Because she’s sleeping with the git and Oxytocin has completely clouded her judgement. You cannot tell her he’s an arsehole because then you risk losing the friendship. Oxytocin is very powerful indeed. So powerful that women would rather walk away from a 20 year friendship than see the Arsehole for what he is. So how do you know you need the Arsehole Radar? Simple. If you dived into the sack without REALLY getting to know the man, you need the Arsehole Radar!
So, here’s how the device works.
Every time your partner is being an arsehole, the device starts beeping. If he apologizes, the beeping stops and you can move along swiftly. If he doesn’t apologise but continues with his bad behaviour, the beeping gets louder and starts giving you a headache. The only way to make the beeping stop is to call him on his behaviour. If he becomes defensive or aggressive, the beeping gets louder. If he backs down and recognises his behaviour, the beeping stops. What’s really great about this device is that he hears the beeping as well. It’s actually great to have around because it can help train him to be a more polite and conscientious human being. The device is also great for carrying in your handbag when out on the town with your girlfriends. When guys approach you in a pub or club and try chat you up, the device will quickly work out if they are simply looking for a shag or actually trying to get to know you better. How? By reading the subtle energies emanating from their Chakra Centres. A guy who’s looking for a shag will be “vibrating” energy from his Base or Root Chakra and a guy who is trying to get to know you will be “vibrating” from his Spleen or Creativity Chakra. When the beeping starts, it’s time to turn your back or head for the door. Ignore the beeping at your own peril, for if you indulge a man who’s just looking for a shag, the Arsehole Radar becomes red hot and emits a foul smell. Of course, if you’re out looking for a shag, then I’d suggest you leave the device at home! This device is really great for women who cannot tell the difference between cheap flattery designed to get you into bed, and genuine compliments. Cheap flattery will also cause the device to beep which will cause you, in turn, to ignore said cheap flattery (hopefully). The most amazing thing about this device is it actually teaches you to spot arseholes. Eventually you will become good at spotting them and can pass your device onto women who haven’t yet learned to spot them. The device is small and discreet and can actually fit into a pocket or can be attached to your key-ring. The important thing is to keep the device with you at all times because you never know when you will be approached by an arsehole.
Pre-orders welcome!
www.amoursetter.com

ARE YOU LIVING YOUR DREAM?

2011-07-16T04:38:00.000-07:00

We all know complacency to be the biggest killer. It is the root of all evil. When we stop challenging ourselves we stagnate. Stand still long enough and your “motivational muscle” will atrophy.
For the past year I have repeatedly asked myself: “What do I ultimately want for myself?” As my youngest son nears adulthood I am finally forced to figure out what I shall eventually do when the nest is empty. I have friends who still suffer from the “empty nest” syndrome ten years after their children have left home! The issue is not that I have no dreams to follow. I have many. The issue is that motherhood is a full-time job and one’s dreams always tend to be put on ice for the moment. That moment can turn into a lifetime if we’re not careful. So the time has finally come to face myself. I stand alone in front of the mirror and ask the eternal question: “Who am I?” I am all things to many people. I am a mother, a supporter, a nurturer, a friend. I am a career woman, a fighter, a survivor. I am a rock, a mover and shaker. “Who do I want to be”? Aha! Is it enough to just be? Is it enough to stand still and just be content with where you find yourself? For me personally that would surely spell my death, for although it is important to feel content at any point of your life, it is equally important to always strive to be better. I am a work of art in progress. My life is never complete, for it is ever-changing, ever-evolving into something bigger, better and more whole. I am always trying to figure out ways to make this a better place for myself, my loved ones and the world at large. And why not? Look around you. It is not a perfect world. There is always room for improvement. Everything in our world begins inside us. If I can change aspects of myself, I can change parts of the world. It’s like dropping a pebble into a pond. That first ripple always comes from the source. We are the source. Our attitudes shape our world. We cannot afford to give up our dreams. We came here with gifts and talents and I believe the greatest sin to ourselves is to never realize our dreams. I love to nurture and support my loved ones, but I also realize that the only adult I need to be responsible for is myself. I’d better take that responsibility towards myself seriously because if I never follow my dreams I cannot blame others. Nobody has the power to hold me back. If there is a will, there is surely a way. I dream and I take the appropriate action to realize those dreams. The rest is up to my Higher Power.

So who do I ultimately want to be? I want to be a great artist. I want to leave the world knowing I made a difference. I want people to be stronger and more motivated for having known me. I want people to see their own potential and realize that they do actually have what it takes to live their best lives. I want to bridge gaps and help people to see themselves more objectively. I want to dedicate the rest of my life to achieving those goals and dreams through the powerful medium of film, which I have chosen as my canvas. What is your dream and what will you do to live your best life? Will you constantly put off living that dream? Or will you make a decision to follow your heart and take responsibility for your own happiness, right here, right now?

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

LEARN TO LET GO AND SURRENDER

2011-07-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

Life presents us with many lessons along the way. The journey is filled with surprises, horrors and joys. It really all depends on how we perceive things. I think my greatest achievement to date is learning to surrender and trust in the process of life. Co-dependents are so used to manipulating and controlling everything in their lives; it’s the only way they know how to survive. But surviving is not living and if we are to live our lives with joy and meaning we have to find better ways to deal with life’s challenges. When life throws you a challenge how do you react? In the past I tended to over-react to everything and invariably life’s challenges would completely immobilize me and cause me so much stress that I would sometimes become physically ill. What’s more, if I implemented a plan of action designed to reach a certain goal and obstacles happened to get in the way, I’d freak out and worry myself into a state, yet do whatever it took to realize the goal anyway. Usually that meant swimming upstream against the tide. And if you’ve ever done that (literally or figuratively) you’ll know how exhausting that can be!
Raising three young children as a single mother is stressful. There is no doubt about that, especially when there is no financial support. I used to look upon two income families with envy and always asked myself the universal dumb question: “Why me Lord?” But as any recovering Co-dependent will attest to, being a martyr is part of the problem. The pay-off we get from the “admiration” being fed to us from people who are always amazed at how well we cope is something most of us cannot admit to. The fact that I didn’t even have a supportive family to help me made it that much harder, and that much more inviting of the admiration I secretly craved from the world. The tough-girl exterior I developed ended up being counter-productive, for people rarely offered support because I was Super Woman and didn’t appear to need any.
Looking back I could have saved myself so much stress if I had only learnt to surrender and let go. Fighting for control over a situation rarely ends well. The important thing in life is to learn which battles to fight and which to walk away from. When an obstacle presents itself and seems to mess up all our plans we have to learn to take a deep breath and step back. Reacting and digging our heels in is never a good idea. The boxing gloves must stay in the box. Going with the flow always works to our advantage in the end because it invariably takes us to calmer waters where blessings await. If a situation doesn’t seem to be working out I tend to focus on the hidden advantage, which requires some deep introspection because the hidden advantage is always difficult to find. Every cloud has a silver lining and it takes some practice to spot that silver lining. I truly believe that whatever we focus on expands. It’s one of the Laws of Attraction. So next time life throws you a challenge, look for that silver lining and focus on it and forget about the rest. When we spend our energy on being grateful for the things that are working out and ignore the things that seem a mess, a miracle happens: problems seem to vanish. It’s really all in the letting go. So next time you feel stressed and not in control, take a deep breath, relax and let go. Things always work out for the best in the end. You just have to trust that they do.
Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

FINDING YOUR BLISS

2011-01-23T05:06:00.000-08:00

Bliss can be a state of profound satisfaction, happiness and joy, a constant state of mind, undisturbed by gain or loss. But bliss can also be short-lived in this fast-paced life we live. We are so consumed by having more and being more that we hardly ever stop to smell the roses. Few people have figured out that the more you learn to control your emotions, the more inclined you are to be blissful. In days gone by I was a raw exposed nerve. Nothing more, nothing less. Whatever life threw at me I’d react to, usually in the most emotional and dramatic way possible. I never knew then that learning to control my emotions was actually possible. My life was a constant roller-coaster ride and there were very few, if any, easy and relaxed days. But as I began to change and reflect on the weaknesses in my character, I began to realize that my emotional lows were actually choices. Once that penny dropped life instantly became easier to handle. When I began to practice being happy and positive, I realized that I could stay in that particular state for longer and longer moments. These moments eventually became days, then weeks, then months. For someone who suffered from “clinical depression” for most of my life, and who lived on anti-depressants and tranquilizers, I didn’t think it would ever be possible to actually do without them. I have now been off these chemicals for over 2 years and still going strong. I obviously have some low moments, sometimes even stretching to a full day (although that happens very rarely nowadays), but by and large I have come to experience what I truly believe to be a blissful state most of the time.

Bliss is only possible when you learn to love and accept yourself. In my youth I spent a considerable amount of time comparing myself to other women, and found they were always better, prettier, richer, happier and more fulfilled than I ever was. Or so I convinced myself. I carried such a deep sense of not being good enough that this filtered into my every waking thought. Looking at magazines was painful. I would agonize over beautiful, lithe bodies and wonder why I didn’t look so perfect. When I started practicing bliss, I started to boycott women’s magazines. I made a conscious decision to stop comparing myself to other people and I found I could maintain my happy states for longer and longer periods. I also started practicing conscious gratitude. Whenever I felt myself brooding over things I would immediately start to make a mental list of all the wonderful people and things in my life and really focus on feeling grateful to have such wonderful blessings. That would immediately lift my spirits and put me in a better mood. I believe that surrender is such an integral part of bliss that the two go hand-in-hand. When I learnt to go with the flow and accept things as they were presented to me, I found this increased my blissful moments dramatically. No good can ever come from swimming upstream. There is nothing there for us, except pain, frustration and anger. Learning to love yourself means learning to be good and kind to yourself. One area of self-love that becomes self-evident is how and what we feed ourselves. A diet rich in sugar and acidic foods does nothing to increase longevity or happiness. Neither does consuming large amounts of alcohol or drugs. The more I began to love myself, the purer my diet became and the more conscious I became of what I put into my body. And what thoughts I held on to. Let’s look at some ways to increase the feeling of bliss in your life:
• Improve your diet & include more raw food. Ideally we want to consume 75% raw food in our diets, and we want to cut out alcohol as far as possible. You cannot be the best person you can be when your diet is acidic and unhealthy! You simply won’t have the energy to perform at your best.
• If you haven’t done so already, quit smoking. On an emotional level smoking helps you suppress deep anger, that’s why people become so irritable once they stop smoking. Besides the actual withdrawal from nicotine and other chemicals in cigarettes, suppressed feelings of anger start to surface. If you are aware of this, you can deal with these feelings of anger in appropriate ways.
• Stop comparing yourself to others. Learn to accept yourself just the way you are. If there are things you can change, do so. Exercise more, clean up your diet, lose some weight if you need to, change your dressing style to reflect a more youthful you, if necessary. But listen to those thoughts of comparison, and when you find yourself doing that, stop and say “I love myself just the way I am.”
• Stop looking for approval from others. You don’t need anyone’s approval. You also don’t need to ask permission to be and do what you want with your life. Go out and be the best person you can be and approve of yourself. Who gives a rat’s arse if nobody else approves? The most important person in your life is you.
• Stop trying to save everyone around you. Don’t do for others what they can and should do for themselves. You are the only adult you need to take responsibility for! Don’t fight other people’s battles, don’t make them dependent on you in any way and learn to stand on your own two feet. And don’t be tempted to gather an army of supporters when you have a bone to pick with someone. Have the courage to fight your own battles, but choose your battles wisely.
• Realize an important fact of life: “What I think of you is my business and what you think of me is yours.” You don’t need to walk around telling everyone exactly what you think of them. And if someone else has the urge to dump their negative emotions on you, walk away. Everyone is entitled to their opinions of us, but we certainly don’t need to hear them, unless it’s coming from someone who loves and cares for you and what they are sharing is designed to help you become a better person!
• Spend some time every day by yourself. Meditate, read, go for a walk or soak in a hot tub. Anything where you can still your mind and reflect on things you can be grateful for. Learning to count your blessings is a great way of finding bliss.
• Learn to be honest with yourself and others. If you’ve taken a fearless moral inventory of yourself you’ll know what your weaknesses are, and so your loved ones won’t find it necessary to constantly point them out to you. We can only change things about ourselves which we can first acknowledge. My favourite saying is “Take out the mirror instead of the magnifying glass.” It’s so much easier to find fault with others than to see it in ourselves!
• Go easy on yourself. Don’t push yourself too hard. Life isn’t a race. You can reach your goals in your own time, even if it takes you longer than expected.
• The goal of life is to be happy and blissful. Everything else is secondary.

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

LOOKING BACK

2010-12-21T23:44:00.000-08:00

As the New Year approaches I can’t help looking back at my development and improvement over the past three years. I’ve finally learnt to pat myself on the back for achievements, instead of kicking myself for that which I haven’t achieved yet. As a recovering Co-dependent I’ve come to appreciate how important it is to be kind to yourself and honour yourself for all milestones reached in your life, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem to others.
Three years ago, as I re-entered the treacherous world of dating, I made all the typical mistakes women in my position could make. I slept with a man on the second date, I ignored my instincts when I felt a man was lying to me (and then found out afterwards he was engaged to someone) and I got influenced by a photographer to remove my clothes and pose for artistic nudes (er, which reminds me, if those pics ever leak onto the net I’ll be forgiven as they were done before my Pre-Cog days!) All in all, as I look back at the past three years, I have to admit that I am truly proud of myself for the strength I have gained. Today it is much more difficult to pull the wool over my eyes or step over my boundaries. I’ve learned to say no with confidence and I’ve learned to trust my instincts. When I look back at the woman I was a mere three years ago I feel immense satisfaction that I am well on my way to becoming all I have the potential to be. Has the journey been easy? Definitely not! I’ve had to re-learn a lot of things and I’ve had to learn how to love myself, warts and all. I’ve also had to learn how to forgive myself for my past mistakes. As any recovering Co-dependent will tell you, forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things you will ever learn to do, because the capacity for guilt is so huge in us that it takes balls of steel (which of course we all carry in our briefcases) to overcome! My self-hatred was so overwhelming that it was no wonder nobody else could love me! My emotions completely governed me in every way. Hell, I wasn’t in control of my life back then, my emotions were! Definitely my first step to a healthier and more balanced life was to overcome the hold my out-of-control emotions had over me. In my book “The BITCH’S Guide to Dating” I outline how it is possible to gain control of your emotions, and I am a walking testament to that. There have been many opportunities since publishing my book for me to practice what I preach. Although sometimes, I must admit, it wasn’t always easy, in the end my logic prevailed and I have chosen my emotional battles very carefully. I’m not suggesting that I am incapable of making mistakes. Hell, that would be ridiculous to even consider, for all human beings make mistakes. But these days I think things through very carefully before taking action, and I certainly pay heed to my inner voice. But I also know that I will make mistakes in the future. And I also know that I will forgive myself for them and I’ll get up, dust myself off and continue on my journey.
One of the biggest achievements in my journey to a healthier existence has been learning to let go. Co-dependents are notorious for trying to manipulate and control everything and everyone in their lives. It’s the only way they feel they have any control over their own lives. I’m finally learning to tell the difference between what I’m responsible for and what other people are responsible for. That has certainly been the one thing that has brought me peace and serenity. When we take too much responsibility for other people’s lives, we become resentful and angry when they don’t respond with enough gratitude and respect we feel they should have towards us. This only serves to hurt us more in the end.
As another new year approaches I look forward to more success as I tackle more stumbling blocks that have kept me from being everything I can be and more. Self-love, self-acceptance and learning to forgive myself are things I work on every day. As each year passes I am pleasantly surprised to find myself becoming more peaceful, relaxed and serene. May the New Year bring you more clarity and a deeper willingness to face who you truly are, the strength to begin a new journey of healing and the courage to overcome the obstacles in the way of becoming all you were meant to be.

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

MARK SAMPSON'S TOILET HUMOUR

2010-12-17T22:36:00.000-08:00

After a long and busy week I decided to meet my friends for a drink last night and suggested we attend the local comedy night at the Southern Right Hotel in Glencairn, Cape Town. I’d read about it in the local newspaper, which advertised “a hilarious, variety experience that is a stylish, contemporary alternative to the standard 3 comics or musical cabaret.” I arrived a few minutes early to secure seating for my group and waited in anticipation for a show which I expected was going to be entertaining and stylish (as advertised). What I got, instead was toilet humour not fit for ladies ears. The comedian, one Mark Sampson was all about his penis, attempting at several points in his “show” (if you can call it that) to flash it to his audience. They should definitely have called this show “Kings of Penis” because even their amateur comedians kept referring to the penis in their acts. What blows my mind is how audiences lap up this crap! At one point I glanced around to see how many ladies were laughing at the sick humour. I asked my friend Lesley if they were laughing because they found the “jokes” funny or embarrassing, or if they were simply laughing to be polite. We never could decide. The one thing that bothered me the most was the fact that there were very young children in the audience, a group of boys aged 10 – 14. God help us all, I thought, as the egotistical and self-centered Mr Sampson (who had recently rid himself of his awful dreadlocks) actually made various references to masturbation which were directed towards these young boys. Virtually every one of his “jokes” had references to the penis! Now I don’t mind an occasional “dirty joke” thrown in for good measure in a comedy act, but when the entire show is focused on the penis, with regular humping movements and derogatory references to female anatomy I become infuriated. Especially when you consider this act was advertised as “stylish family entertainment”. Stylish? As in chic, smart, elegant, tasteful and classy? I think not. If this is what is being sold as stylish, then girls, we are in very, very deep trouble indeed! Why not call a spade a bloody spade? Advertise this smut for exactly what it is: smutty, toilet humour with key reference to the penis and derogatory reference to female anatomy. But for God’s sake, don’t refer to it as stylish family entertainment! The “hilarious” Mark Sampson made a few references to his children, and I cringed to think what kind of “stylish” schooling they were getting at home. I couldn’t help thinking that unintelligent so-called comedians felt it necessary to behave like sheep and give audiences a plateful of toilet humour because they simply couldn’t come up with any intelligent humour. When side-act Anton Smuts (I previously called him Rob van Vuuren by mistake) came on stage I sat back waiting for a funny moment to break my boredom. But sadly it never came. The man looked like a biker who had escaped from his gang, took refuge in the bar, and been dared by his beer-sucking mates to attempt to get a laugh out of the audience. All that he managed to squeeze out was more smut designed for male ears.
Was I disappointed? You bet! Not only was the service appalling (we got our cold food an hour after placing our order, and one of my friends didn’t even get what he ordered) but the show didn’t deliver what it promised. The hotel had advertised this show as its “opportunity to showcase the valley’s top talent alongside Cape Town’s hottest comedians”. My God, if this excuse for a comedian was our city’s hottest comedian, then God help us all! I couldn’t help wondering, if that was a female comedian standing up on stage, trying to flash her lady bits every 5 minutes, making humping movements and referring to her vagina all the time, plus making derogatory references to men, I have no doubt that she would have been booed off the stage by all the men in the audience and branded a low-class, trashy tart! Sadly I think I was the only female who walked out of that appalling show. What concerns me is how female audiences sit back and accept this low-class humour which masquerades as stylish entertainment! How can we possibly insist on respect in society when we permit such trash on stage? My advice? Stay away from Mark Sampson’s so-called comedy acts and take a stand. If we insist on being treated with respect in society, how can we possibly support shows that are designed for exclusively male audiences with accompanying toilet humour not fit for ladies ears? Come on, girls! Silence is consent.
Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED! PLEASE TAKE ACTION!

2010-12-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

The Avaaz Team recently sent out this circulation, asking for our help to speak out. I would like to share this with my readers in the hope that you will take action and sign the petition. Avaaz moves mountains. We cannot sit back and allow governments and politicians to dictate to us. People should not be afraid of their governments; Governments should be afraid of its people! Let's take a stand and choose freedom.

"The massive campaign of intimidation against WikiLeaks is sending a chill through free press advocates everywhere.

Legal experts say WikiLeaks has likely broken no laws. Yet top US politicians have called it a terrorist group and commentators have urged assassination of its staff. The organization has come under massive government and corporate attack, but WikiLeaks is only publishing information provided by a whistleblower. And it has partnered with the world's leading newspapers (NYT, Guardian, Spiegel etc) to carefully vet the information it publishes.

The massive extra-judicial intimidation of WikiLeaks is an attack on democracy. We urgently need a public outcry for freedom of the press and expression. Sign the petition to stop the crackdown and forward this email to everyone -- let's get to 1 million voices and take out full page ads in US newspapers this week!

http://www.avaaz.org/en/wikileaks_petition/?vl

WikiLeaks isn't acting alone -- it's partnered with the top newspapers in the world (New York Times, The Guardian, Der Spiegel, etc) to carefully review 250,000 US diplomatic cables and remove any information that it is irresponsible to publish. Only 800 cables have been published so far. Past WikiLeaks publications have exposed government-backed torture, the murder of innocent civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan, and corporate corruption.

The US government is currently pursuing all legal avenues to stop WikiLeaks from publishing more cables, but the laws of democracies protect freedom of the press. The US and other governments may not like the laws that protect our freedom of expression, but that's exactly why it's so important that we have them, and why only a democratic process can change them.

Reasonable people can disagree on whether WikiLeaks and the leading newspapers it's partnered with are releasing more information than the public should see. Whether the releases undermine diplomatic confidentiality and whether that's a good thing. Whether WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has the personal character of a hero or a villain. But none of this justifies a vicious campaign of intimidation to silence a legal media outlet by governments and corporations. Click below to join the call to stop the crackdown:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/wikileaks_petition/?vl

Ever wonder why the media so rarely gives the full story of what happens behind the scenes? This is why - because when they do, governments can be vicious in their response. And when that happens, it's up to the public to stand up for our democratic rights to a free press and freedom of expression. Never has there been a more vital time for us to do so.

With hope,
Ricken, Emma, Alex, Alice, Maria Paz and the rest of the Avaaz team.

SOURCES:

Law experts say WikiLeaks in the clear (ABC)
http://www.abc.net.au/worldtoday/content/2010/s3086781.htm

WikiLeaks are a bunch of terrorists, says leading U.S. congressman (Mail Online)
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1333879/WikiLeaks-terrorists-says-leading-US-congressman-Peter-King.html

Cyber guerrillas can help US (Financial Times)
http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/d3dd7c40-ff15-11df-956b-00144feab49a.html#axzz17QvQ4Ht5

Amazon drops WikiLeaks under political pressure (Yahoo)
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20101201/tc_afp/usdiplomacyinternetwikileakscongressamazon

"WikiLeaks avenged by hacktivists" (PC World):
http://www.pcworld.com/businesscenter/article/212701/operation_payback_wikileaks_avenged_by_hacktivists.html

US Gov shows true control over Internet with WikiLeaks containment (Tippett.org)
http://www.tippett.org/2010/12/us-gov-shows-true-control-over-internet-with-wikileaks-containment/

US embassy cables culprit should be executed, says Mike Huckabee (The Guardian)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/dec/01/us-embassy-cables-executed-mike-huckabee

WikiLeaks ditched by MasterCard, Visa. Who's next? (The Christian Science Monitor)
http://www.csmonitor.com/Innovation/Horizons/2010/1207/WikiLeaks-ditched-by-MasterCard-Visa.-Who-s-next

Assange's Interpol Warrant Is for Having Sex Without a Condom (The Slatest)
http://slatest.slate.com/id/2276690/

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

ME, TOO CONSERVATIVE?

2010-11-30T04:44:00.000-08:00

Life would surely be boring if everyone always agreed with my views. As I get older I care less and less what others think of my take on life. I’m just a writer who enjoys sharing my thoughts. A friend of mine recently sent me a link to someone’s blog where the writer tore me apart and accused me of encouraging women to behave like prostitutes. I burst out laughing and almost fell off my chair when I read her blog. The writer claims to have read several of my blogs, which she happily quoted. In my published book “The BITCH’s Guide to Dating” I share tips on dating primarily for women who have a history of abusive relationships. Women with this kind of history usually have boundary issues and often fail to heed their intuition. These women need some new strategies for setting up healthy boundaries. If developing new strategies designed to elevate your self-esteem is viewed as manipulation or game-playing, so be it.

What I find so amusing is how accusations about me tend to be poles apart. I’ve been accused of many things over the years. Hell, just last week I was accused of being a fraud because I refused to pay some loathsome creature an overcharge on her invoice! One writer recently accused me of encouraging women to act like stupid bimbos, while another accused me of being “prissy and too conservative for this day and age”. There seems to be no middle ground. And that’s just the way I prefer it. I’m steadily climbing towards reaching the 50 year mark and I dare say that with age comes wisdom. Nobody can deny that. The older I get the more clarity I seem to get on this dating game. I watch young women playing “the game” and I cringe. If dropping your knickers on the first date and feeling comfortable to have sex with the entire rugby team is modern and liberated, then you can keep modern and liberated thank you very bloody much! If the new feminist movement means opening your legs to any old Tom, Dick or Harry then I’d rather not be part of it. What ever happened to grace, self-respect and dignity? Or did that fly out the window when modern feminism arrived? I’m not advocating keeping your virginity until marriage. In fact, I’m not a great lover of the institution of marriage as it stands. Society has evolved and marriage hasn’t. Personally I believe that marriage suits men far more than it does women for reasons I shall go into in a future blog (watch this space for exciting details).

The problem with “modern women”, I believe, is that they have no personal boundaries. Anything goes. They’ll “kiss a girl and like it” not necessarily because they really, really prefer it, but because it’s trendy and cute and will get the tongues wagging. If you want people to talk about you – according to the Modern Way – then do something sexually outrageous. Make a sex video and “leak” it onto the internet (like Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Kim Kardashian). Or climb out of your limo not wearing any underwear while you flash your lady bits to the press (like Britney Spears and Co). Or jump up on stage in front of millions of viewers and drop your tongue down another girls’ throat. It really works! Or you could just go about your sexual business conservatively and attract attention with your brain – not your genitals – like truly successful women do. In the race for fame and fortune Modern Women will go to any lengths, it seems, including losing all their dignity and self-respect (although one has to wonder if they have any to begin with!) Every morning this week, while emerging from the shower at my local gym, I’ve walked past Modern Women drying their hair in front of the mirrors and cringe when I see what they are wearing. Very short & tight skirts and very high heel stilettos. God, what ever happened to business suits? I feel like I nodded off for ten years and just woke up to this new and overwhelming “sexual revolution”. Or should I say sexual devolution. Do women honestly think they are evolving by wearing their sexual appetites on their sleeves? If you prefer girls to men, that’s fine. No judgements there. And if you prefer both men and women, that’s also fine. But for God’s sake, keep your knickers on and your wits about you and develop some self respect! We didn’t win the war against patriarchal rule by sleeping with the cabinet (plural). And I don’t mean the cabinet your whiskey bottle rests on. Come on girls. We can continue to forge the way ahead for equal rights without losing sight of being a real woman. Hey, maybe I’m totally wrong and maybe I belong in last decade, but I honestly don’t believe that we have to behave like amoral pigs to get ahead in this world. Last time I checked gentlemen still preferred classy ladies.

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

WHEN INCEST SCARS FOR LIFE

2010-11-25T08:30:00.001-08:00

I recently read a deeply disturbing book called “Mondays are Yellow, Sundays are Grey,” written by Ellen Prescott (The Womens Press Ltd) which gives a personal account of what she and her two young daughters went through following the sexual abuse of the two girls. The book was so disturbing that at times I couldn’t bring myself to read further. Ellen Prescott was herself a sexually abused child, and only started to recall details of the abuse by her father once she realized her husband was sexually abusing her own daughters. When finally confronted, the father denied the abuse, as can be expected. The case never went to court because the girls (then four and two) were too young to testify.

I had, for years, carried around the shame of incest having been sexually molested by an older cousin when I was about 10 years old (he was 16). As is common, I felt deep shame and felt that I had somehow invited the sexual abuse. I never spoke of the abuse until I turned 40 when I unexpectedly found myself staying in the same house as this particular cousin and his family. Because I had not adequately dealt with the aftermath of the abuse, all the unresolved feelings bubbled to the surface when I suddenly found myself in his company, sleeping in the bedroom next door. When I finally confronted him with the abuse, which of course he denied, all hell broke loose. I was completely disowned by that side of the family, branded a liar and a trouble-maker and had to deal with the wrath of his wife, who took on the Persecutor role and tried to intimidate me into admitting I had made it all up. A former high-powered attorney, she was terrified their joint reputations would be destroyed by the “allegation”. She called me a liar and kept repeatedly asking me why I had never told my parents about the abuse. How do you tell your alcoholic mother, who discounts everything you say anyway, that your older cousin has sexually abused you? But I stuck to my story and stood my ground. The freedom of talking about the incest and getting it into the open (albeit just in the family) was the most incredibly healing experience. I didn’t care that the rest of my family thought I was a liar. I felt better knowing the dirty secret was out in the open and a huge burden was lifted from me. But I didn’t intend going anywhere with my “allegation”. I simply confronted him about it and that was that.

While doing some research for this blog, I found a great article on the internet, which I’d like to share with my readers:
“ According to various studies the percentage of incest victims in the USA are reported to be around 10 – 20 million. Among the reported victims of incest, girls outnumber boys by approximately ten to one; however the number of boys abused may be underreported. Most perpetrators are considerably older than their victims, are predominately male, and who on the average abuse at more serious and traumatic levels than do female perpetrators. Indications are that incestuous abuse usually does not commonly involve physical force or violence. Verbal or implied threats are more often used by the perpetrator to ensure the child's silence and compliance. The child may be threatened with family breakup, dissolution of the special relationship with the perpetrator, shame, or blame. The perpetrator may also threaten to commit suicide, harm the victim or other family members, family pets, or valued possessions if the incest is revealed or terminated.

According to the above article, most incest involves multiple acts of sexual violation over time, ranging from several months to many years. The usual pattern is for the sexual activity to escalate. In addition, most incestuous relationships begin not as the result of physical force and violence but rather under the guise of affection or education. Frequently, the perpetrator offers the victim the opportunity to be involved in a special relationship with a known and valued adult. Usually the coercion is subtle, especially at first. However, it may intensify over the course of the incestuous relationship. Threats, lies, and manipulation are often used to ensure secrecy and continued involvement.
While neither women who are raped nor incest victims willingly give consent, the child's experience differs because of the adult's authority and importance in his or her life. The perpetrator gains access to the child by betraying the child's special trust and by exploiting the child's powerlessness. Thus, incest can be viewed as a form of rape (sexual penetration through the use of force with lack of consent on the part of the victim) within the family, with the added potential for psychological damage to the victim due to the relationship between the child and the adult.

After the initial abuse has taken place, a victim of multiple incestuous perpetrators often views the subsequent victimization as proof that something about him or her has caused the abuse. Blame is added to already-existing shame. Children in dysfunctional families are basically left to raise themselves, and without adult supervision, are vulnerable to all forms of abuse inside and outside of the family. While some become caretakers, others become rebels. Incest is a form of chronic traumatic stress that can lead to a host of initial and long-term effects. Like child sexual abuse in general, it poses a serious mental health risk for many victims. The chronic nature of the abuse, the nature of the family, including its dynamics and defenses, the child's dependence on and entrapment in the family, and his or her loyalty to that family, necessitate using strong defenses to cope. Denial and dissociation (splitting off of normal thought processes from consciousness) allow the victim to discount, minimize, or otherwise suppress memories of abuse. These defenses often persist into adulthood. As a result, survivors may appear asymptomatic and not suffering from long-term effects of the abuse, when in reality they are emotionally constricted due to the trauma. Most former incest victims had little opportunity either in childhood or later to get effective assistance to end the abuse or to treat its effects. These untreated effects (immediate or long-term) become chronic or delayed and give rise to additional symptoms. These symptoms, in turn, create new problems that usually prompt the adult survivor to seek treatment. Some of the most common of these problems include depression, eating disorders, substance abuse, anxiety, or dissociative disorders such as multiple personality disorder. Survivors might also seek treatment for domestic abuse or other types of sexual violence.”
(http://www.faqs.org/health/topics/68/Incest.html#ixzz16IPkm3Og)

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

CHILDREN ARE FROM HEAVEN

2010-11-14T06:43:00.000-08:00

To say that I was reluctantly dragged into adolescence for the third time would be a gross understatement. As I started noticing all the physical changes my youngest son was going through as he approached his teens, I was reminded about all I had already endured with my older two children. And I was petrified. To be honest I didn’t think I had it in me to weather another domestic teenage storm, which I anticipated would last for at least the next six to eight years. But looking back I now see that it was my very attitude and silly fears that had my back against the wall, not my child’s “crap attitude” as I thought at the time. Granted, he wasn’t always right. But then, neither was I! We had weathered many storms together over the years. Growing up without a father meant he had a deep, empty space that no mother could fill. And God knows I tried! At one stage I felt more like a man than a woman as I tried to play the role of his Dad, almost forgetting that I had a nurturing and caring femininity that begged expression. Our highlight and atonement came when his father suddenly surfaced, after having disappeared from my son’s life completely for seven years. At first there was the honeymoon phase as my son planted all his hopes and dreams at his father’s feet. But before long those hopes and dreams faded into disappointments as arrangements were forgotten, promises were broken and manipulative games started being played. There is nothing like a fat reality check to bring you crashing down to earth again. He had created a ridiculous fantasy of his father in his mind, endowed it with every perfection and thought meeting him in the flesh would somehow make his life complete. I also suspect that there was a part of him that resented me for “making his dad go away”. I am not without blame, as he is inclined to remind me, for I only ever told him the nice stories about his father. I never elaborated on the drunken nights, the violent fights spurred on by his excessive drinking. Not for a moment do I claim to be a victim, for I chose the lout to begin with and take full responsibility for my stupid choice in the matter. But I digress.
The realisation that his father was just an average human being with faults, but one that nonetheless could not meet his by now very watered-down expectations actually drew us closer together. We began to find ways to cope with our domestic stresses and started pulling together as a team. It was during this time that I came across a copy of John Gray’s book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Children are from Heaven” (Vermilion). Slowly I began to apply some of his recommendations and found, to my delightful surprise, that his strategies actually work! Parents of my generation were raised in homes where punishment (which often took the form of physical violence) was the order of the day. Many of us came to reject this form of violence, but since we did not substitute it with anything more effective, we often raised our children in permissive ways that did not ultimately serve them well. Children need boundaries, routine and to know that their parents are still the bosses. Gray believes that there are very clear reasons why children today are more disrespectful, aggressive and violent. When they are over-stimulated by aggression or threat of punishment at home, it creates hyperactivity in boys and feelings of low self-esteem and eating disorders in girls. Gray believes that violent offenders in prisons today have, without exception, been severely punished or beaten as children. By the same token there are adults today who have been impaired by the effects of “soft parenting”.
“To create cooperation is to instil in children a willingness to listen and to respond to your requests” says Gray. He believes that children need to be asked, not ordered, to do things. He also suggests parents (particularly mothers) learn to be more direct when asking their children to do things, instead of using guilt-trips and manipulation tactics. Modern-day parents think they need to give their children explanations for their requests, but this is actually counter-productive as you give up your power when you explain your position to justify your request. Quiet, assertive skills work best with teenagers. When my teenager starts to argue with me when I remind him it’s time to go to bed, I simply keep repeating the request until he gives up arguing and goes to bed. Today we are much closer and more understanding of one another’s personal stresses and challenges. I am also calmer and less threatened when he challenges my authority because I know that if I assertively stand my ground and simply keep repeating my wishes without having to give an explanation, I am going to get cooperation because I am asserting my power as his parent. Despite the fact that we can behave like friends sometimes, laughing at jokes, watching movies together or sharing stories, at the end of the day I know I have his respect because, come hell or high water, I am still the boss in our home. Although our home is not without fights and challenges, by and large we get along better these days since I’ve calmed down and become a more assertive parent.
Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

GIVING YOUR POWER AWAY

2010-11-13T01:42:00.000-08:00

In the past, when I allowed my emotions to control the direction my life was taking, I would give my power away to anyone who wanted it. Back then if people decided to dump their negative views of me at my feet it would shatter me. My view of myself was far less important than anyone else’s view of me. Today I am a lot wiser. My recent run-in with a contractor, who saw fit to publicise slanderous comments about me after I refused to pay her over-charges on her invoice, really drove this message home and gave me a new platform from which to practice my resolve. In the past I would have lashed back viciously, jumping into the boxing ring and firing on all my cylinders just to “get even” and “prove” that I wasn’t this bad person she had proclaimed to the world I was. This time round I watched in light amusement as she gathered her army of supporters, who validated her negative view of me, and handed all her power to me on a silver platter. I guess I should feel flattered to be taking up so much of her mental energy!
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer describes the picture of a healthy individual in his book “Your Erroneous Zones” (Time Warner Books) as someone free from guilt and all the attendant anxiety that goes with using any present moments in being immobilized over past events. You will never see them manipulating others by telling them how bad they’ve been, nor will you be able to manipulate them with the same tactics. Furthermore, their self-worth is located within, and therefore any external concerns can be viewed objectively, rather than in any way a threat to their value. They never engage in useless fighting, are not band-wagoners and they are not martyrs. They are warriors on the forefront of social change and although they may appear hedonistic and selfish, they spend vast amounts of time in the service of others. Another hallmark of these fully functioning individuals is honesty. Thus they will behave in ways that will often be perceived as cruel but in fact they are simply allowing others to make their own decisions. They are internal in their personality orientation, and they refuse to ascribe responsibility to others for what they are. Similarly they will not spend a great deal of time talking about others and focusing on what someone else has done or failed to do. They are not gossips or spreaders of evil information because they are so busy being effective in their own lives that they have no time for the petty connivances that occupy many people’s lives. They don’t play games and try to impress other people. Most significantly, these are individuals who love themselves, are motivated by a desire to grow, and they always treat themselves well when given the option. They have no room for self-pity, self-rejection, or self-hate. They are not problem-free, but free from emotional immobility as a result of the problems. The measure of their mental health is not in whether they slip but in what they do when they slip. They get up, dust themselves off and get on with the business of living.
Every time I read Dr. Dyer’s account of a healthy individual it motivates me to stand my ground when people try to manipulate me by talking ill of me when they don’t get their own way. I now view the manipulators and band-wagoners as disempowered individuals struggling with their own self-esteem. When these people try to rattle my cage and hook me into their low vibrational games I try to remind myself of a lovely saying I heard not too long ago: “The difference between you and a pig in a fight is a pig will enjoy getting dirty.” But my absolute favourite quote in the world, and one I often quote under my breath when faced with “dirty manipulators” is Albert Einstein’s: “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” Instead of crumbling under the vitriol of slander, I now feel more empowered to understand where these pitiful creatures are coming from and console myself with the fact that their lives are so taken up with trying to discredit me that there is little energy left for them to create a better world for themselves!

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

MANIPULATION TACTICS IN THE FILM BUSINESS

2010-11-12T07:23:00.000-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me how vicious human beings can get when their manipulation tactics don’t work. Being a former Co-dependent, I was guilty of that in the past to an extent. But how low humans are willing to go is quite frightening.

Of late I have been practising some assertiveness techniques which I read about in Manuel J. Smith’s book titled “When I say no, I feel guilty” (Bantam Books). When I first started reading the book I couldn’t put it down. I laughed until my sides split as I identified with many of the examples he mentions in his book. But what I identified with the most was how staunchly you have to stand your ground when someone is trying to manipulate you. As luck would have it, whenever I am working through an issue or doing some personal development work, the Universe seems to present me with some opportunities where I can immediately put my new techniques to work. Just as I finished reading the book, my first opportunity presented itself to me.

I had employed the freelance services of someone in my film business about a month prior. When I first received her invoice I noticed that she had over-charged me. I contacted her and calmly asked her to correct her invoice. She ranted and raved, accusing me of trying to screw her over but I firmly stood my ground and the second invoice arrived. When I got around to checking it I noticed that it was still incorrect and I was still being overcharged. Once again, as calmly as possible, I asked her to change her invoice. Same hysterics as before followed and I then received a third invoice. After checking with the relevant department I realized she was still over-charging me! Rather than going through the entire hysterical display with her again, I simply corrected the invoice myself, made the relevant deductions and paid her what was owed to her for her services, pointing out in an email what the deductions were for. Imagine my surprise when I received two sms threats from her: the first one informed me she was going to create a Facebook page telling everyone in the local South African film industry that I was a fraud and the second one was confirming that she had! I immediately wrote her a letter informing her that unless she stopped slandering me I would proceed with legal action. Unfortunately the letter did nothing to deter this vicious creature, who proceeded to post up a link on her Facebook profile referring her friends back to a blog my former business partner in the Middle East had instigated three years previously to discredit me after our business partnership had soured. The link was accompanied by a very slanderous post she had written about me.

In the past I might have fallen apart with anger and anxiety that someone could be so vicious, but as I grow and heal from my Co-dependency I realize how much vicious people like this actually discredit themselves with this kind of demeaning behaviour. What you say about others in a public forum like this says more about you than it does about the person you are slandering. The last time someone wrote such a slanderous blog about me a family member gave me some very good advice. He said “Even negative publicity is good publicity.” How right he was! After pondering on the lesson in not yielding to other peoples attempts to manipulate us I went back to Manuel J. Smith’s Book to re-read his Bill of Assertive Rights, which I’d like to share with you:

1. You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour.
3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
4. You have the right to change your mind.
5. You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them.
6. You have the right to say “I don’t know”.
7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
9. You have the right to say “I don’t understand”.
10. You have the right to say “I don’t care”.

This delightful lady in question sent me an email sharing some negative comments that some of her friends had shared about me. Since I have come to accept that you cannot please everyone and at least half the time you are going to encounter disapproval from people, it simply rolled off me like water off a duck’s back. She made it quite clear that unless I paid her the money she demanded (ie the over-charge), she would not refrain from her slanderous activity. As I sat back and watched the drama unfold before me, I was reminded that she was merely digging a deeper and deeper hole for herself, one into which she would soon fall and injure herself. I decided that I was not going to be manipulated into giving her money which she had not earned and money which I felt she was trying to steal from me. Gathering her little army of supporters in her crusade against me was also not going to make me budge. I really don’t give a rat’s arse how many people out there disapprove of me. I would really need to be insane to think that everyone in the world loves and adores me! As everyone knows, the movie business is a fickle one. With inflated egos, white-powdered noses, disputed agreements, and manipulative tactics being employed on a daily basis, it isn’t hard to find a gathering of people who hate you and would dearly love to see you crucified. As my cousin often tells me about our industry: “At least they are still talking about you, hun! Start worrying when they stop talking about you!” Bless his soul!

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

I DON'T APPROVE

2010-10-27T02:24:00.000-07:00

“Needing approval is tantamount to saying, “Your view of me is more important than my own opinion of myself.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
One of my favorite books by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer is “Your Erroneous Zones” (Time Warner Books). I have such deep admiration and respect for Dr Dyer as his work has contributed to huge personal change in my life. In the above book he talks at length about overcoming your need for approval. As a former Co-dependent, I was the world’s biggest approval-seeker. I never actually realized how many of my actions stemmed from the need for approval, particularly from my family members. While it is true I wanted to save the world (and my family from themselves) I subconsciously also wanted everyone to love me so I went out of my way to please them. Many times I would do things that did not please me or make me very comfortable, but as long as people approved I thought I was doing the right thing.

Dr Dyer believes that when approval-seeking becomes a need, you give up a chunk of yourself to the “outside person’ whose advocacy you must have. You end up choosing to wear your self-worth on your sleeve for someone else to rub or not rob, as they see fit. Our need for approval must be completely eradicated from our lives as it serves no beneficial purpose whatsoever. Disapproval is part of life. It is totally unrealistic to expect to go through life without incurring disapproval from others. In the past I thought that when people disapproved of me it proved that I was a bad person. I would feel awful, low and depressed. Today I move through life expecting a degree of disapproval, so when it comes it doesn’t shatter me. By and large our education system in Western culture is designed to breed a generation of approval-seekers. At school you have to ask permission to do everything: go to the bathroom, ask a question, move to a different seat. You are taught from a young age to move only when approved, so it makes sense that people become used to this way of thinking and feeling. Schools who claim to promote the individual development of its students are exaggerating by a long shot. I’ve yet to come across a school that actually lives up to this promise because in order to survive and thrive in these environments, you have to be like a sheep and follow orders mindlessly. Children are taught from a young age that approval-seeking is the way to success.

The reality is that about 50% of people you encounter on a daily basis will disapprove of you, your views, your lifestyle or your personal philosophy. So, instead of feeling hurt that someone today disapproved of you, remind yourself that it’s par for the course. Bracing yourself for this will take the edge off your bad feelings about not getting approval. Let’s look at some of the most common kinds of approval-seeking activity people are guilty of:
• Changing what you believe because you encounter disapproval
• Attempting to be more diplomatic to avoid the reaction of displeasure
• Going out of your way to get someone to like you
• Feeling anxious when someone disagrees with you
• Feeling insulted when you encounter someone with opposite beliefs to yours
• Labeling people as “snobs”
• Appearing to agree with someone when you actually don’t
• Doing something for someone and resenting it
• Being intimidated into buying stuff you don’t want or need
• Being afraid to send a badly cooked meal back at a restaurant
• Getting permission from your spouse to make purchases or visit with friends
• Apologizing for disagreeing or sharing a different opinion with someone
• Being constantly late for appointments or engagements

It’s time to take back our power. We do not need approval from others in order to be happy or have serenity in our lives. Someone who isn’t addicted to approval is direct, candid and straightforward. They will “tell it like it is” despite the consequences because honesty is more important than tact or diplomacy. They are not hurtful people, they just don’t have time for game-playing that goes with being careful to avoid hurting people’s feelings. People choose to have their feelings hurt because they want approval. So next time you want to share your opinion about something, go right ahead and be honest. Don’t be afraid of hurting people’s feelings. If they cannot handle your honesty, that’s their problem. The more you practice being confident in your own beliefs the less you will need approval. Becoming aware of this will help you to break this self-destructive addiction. When I stopped giving a rat’s arse what people thought of me, my lifestyle or my beliefs, I became a much happier and more content person.

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

WHAT ARE YOUR HIGHEST VALUES?

2010-10-22T03:34:00.000-07:00

Last week I began re-reading “Awaken the Giant Within” (Anthony Robbins) and was reminded about what my highest values are and what they mean. A few years ago my highest values were Adventure and Excitement, probably because I needed to fill some empty spaces within me that only some adrenaline could fill. Back then, in the throes of my Co-dependency, my head was a mess and my priorities were all mixed up. I lived from moment-to-moment, hand-to-mouth and spent most of my time taking care of everyone else’s emotional needs, ignoring my own. Looking back my top values (in order of importance) probably looked like this:
Excitement
Adventure
Success
Family
Achievement
Passion
Love
Security
Health
Fun

Today they are very, very different. What was important to me a mere three years ago is not as important today. And some things which never featured on my list do now. They now look like this:
Health & Vitality
Love & Intimacy & Family
Integrity
Security
Passion
Success
Contribution
Achievement
Fun
Adventure

When we take the time to consider exactly what our values are in order of importance, it puts life in perspective for us. My highest values in the past cost me a great deal of peace and serenity because I got myself into all sorts of compromising positions. For example: my addiction to excitement caused me to relocate to a foreign country and go into a business partnership with a shady character, which in turn landed me in an Arab prison for 7 days when I tried to leave the partnership. My addiction to my work meant I never had a social life and didn’t know how to unwind and enjoy the fruits of my labour. Love was virtually at the bottom of my list which meant I constantly got involved with men I didn’t respect and therefore couldn’t love. My family always came second to my work, which meant I was absent both physically and emotionally a lot of the time. Over the past three years I have undergone a profound transformation. I decided to re-evaluate my life and start focusing on making life work in my favor, instead of constantly swimming upstream and ending up exhausted and drowning. I never took very good care of my health before, with the result I was constantly ill and stressed out. Today my health & vitality are my highest priorities because they allow me to enjoy my life and contribute to my family, friends and community in a more constructive and beneficial way. Love and intimacy means I focus on giving and receiving love in healthier ways and I’m not afraid to show people who I really am inside. Rejection is no longer a fear. To be honest, I actually don’t give a rat’s arse if people like me or not; I like myself and no longer seek anyone’s approval. Integrity never even featured as a value before. If I stepped on people, let them down or hurt them I didn’t give a damn. I always found an excuse for my behavior. Today I question my motives, always try to follow through and remain transparent as far as possible. Security means I think long-term and focus on building strong relationships with people rather than taking what I can get and focusing on instant gratification.

The most important thing about making a list of your values in order of importance means that you consciously align your actions to your values. If you write these values down and paste them up where you can see them every day, you will hold yourself accountable to these values. And so will the people who love you. You will also be more inclined to seek out people who have similar values to you which means that the quality of your friendships will be better. Isn’t it time you evaluated your values and decided on who you want to be rather than who you have been in the past?

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

STOP THE RESCUE!

2010-10-14T02:21:00.000-07:00

Since embarking on my transformation three years ago, I have had to learn a lot of new skills and let go of many old ones that no longer serve me. My greatest challenge in life has been my Co-dependency. Although I no longer attract nor invite addicts into my life, I do still have old friends and family members who are still addicts and who do still mean a great deal to me. Managing my current relationships with them is difficult because it is so easy to slide back into the Co-dependent role.

Today I simply refuse to rescue anyone. An old friend (who is still in active addiction) has owed me a considerable amount of money for years. I’ve had to chase him from pillar to post to try to get the debt paid, to no avail. He always pleads poverty and his life is always a mess and falling apart. The last time I cornered him about the debt he asked me to be charitable and write it off, but I refused saying I was not prepared to rescue him from his debt. Will this rock the boat and compromise our life-long friendship? Probably. Should I have been a good friend and simply agreed? Definitely not. As long as people keep rescuing him he will never learn to face up to his financial challenges and make a shift. It is not my job to take his problems away from him. Very recently another family member (who is also an addict) asked to borrow money from me. When I refused she hurled abuse at me and said she never wanted to see me again. Yet another close family member, whom I had helped financially in the past, was expecting me to help out again when he lost his job and couldn’t pay his rent. When I refused he literally broke off all contact with me. A few years ago I might have felt terribly guilty that these people, whom I love dearly, were relying on me for help and support and I couldn’t give it. Today I don’t give a rat’s arse. Nobody rescues me anymore and I don’t rescue anyone else. Plain and simple.

Taking care of other people’s needs when they can and should take care of themselves is self-destructive. Caretakers are martyrs. They seek validation and approval, but they also seek to control and manipulate. How do I know this? Because I was the Master Caretaker of the Universe. I wrote the book and I wore the t-shirt. Caretaking breeds anger. When you constantly rescue people from their responsibilities you turn them into angry, helpless victims. The more you give, the more empty and resentful you feel. That is why Co-dependents or Caretakers end up being Persecutors. I’ve been guilty of this myself and I’ve also been at the receiving end of a Persecutor’s wrath. Believe me, it’s not pleasant to be around a Co-dependent who moves into Persecutor mode because they will cut you down, chew you up and spit you out onto the tarmac, bleeding and bruised from head to toe. Rescuing is not an act of love. It fosters and maintains self-hate, and it hinders our feelings for other people. The latest therapeutic jargon for caretaking is “enabling”. According to counselor Scott Egleston, we rescue anytime we take responsibility for another human being – for that person’s thoughts, feelings, decisions, behaviours, growth, well-being, problems or destiny. We are the only adults we need to take care of. Unless someone is brain-damaged, physically impaired or an infant, they can and should take care of themselves, and we have no business robbing them of their life responsibilities.

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

ANGRY BITCHES

2010-10-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

There are many words in the English language to describe women who express anger at men: “hags”, “witches”, “bitches”, “man-haters” and “castrators”. But have you noticed that there are no unflattering terms to describe men who vent their anger at women? The words we do use, like “bastard” and “son-of-a-bitch” simply place the blame back at the woman’s feet again! It’s hard for women to admit when they are angry, because their anger is often received with rejection and disapproval. Most times women internalize their anger, which can lead to depression. And depression is “treatable”. You go to the shrink or your GP and he prescribes a pill to manage your depression. Easy. Or so they say. But the deeper you push your anger, the more it starts to seep out sideways. It is far better to admit to yourself that you are angry and start to question where that anger is coming from, because that can lead to self-examination and ultimately positive change. It’s no good asking yourself if you have a right to be angry, any more than it would be pointless to ask yourself if you have a right to be hungry! It’s what we ultimately do with that anger that’s important. We need to learn how to express anger in a way that will not leave us feeling helpless and powerless. We also need to recognize the importance of being able to clearly communicate our positions without becoming defensive or attacking. Do we know the difference between being assertive and being aggressive? Most woman fall into two anger camps: one in which you avoid expressing your anger by being nice (under-angry) or the one in which you bitch, moan, complain and look for someone to blame for your anger (over-angry). Often it helps to ask yourself some pertinent questions when you feel overwhelming anger descending on you:
• What about this situation makes me angry? (identify an actual cause)
• What is the real issue here? (seeing things in perspective)
• What do I think and feel? (separating your thoughts from your emotions)
• What do I want to accomplish? (looking for goal or solution)
• Who is responsible for what? (refusing to feel anger for other people)
• What specifically do I want to change? (focus)
• What are the things I will and will not do? (boundaries)
It is very easy to get addicted to feeling angry and to keep focusing on the person you feel has angered you. But that is counter-productive and will not help you to make lasting changes in your approach to anger management. The most powerful thing you can do when faced with an angry situation is to ask yourself how you contributed to the situation, for every dance of anger requires at least two dancers. I choose to believe that we attract things, people and situations into our lives based on our vibration (or where we’re at emotionally and mentally). Misery seeks company. So does anger. If you are constantly attracting angry people into your life, look at your own anger issues. We need to learn to take out the mirror instead of the magnifying glass, yet at the same time we should not be afraid to express our anger provided we do it in constructive ways.
Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

OPPOSITES ATTRACT THEN TRY TO KILL EACH OTHER

2010-10-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

Opposites attract, then they try to kill one another later in the relationship because the things they were attracted to in the beginning become bones of contention. We’ve all been there before. You may be an introvert person and were attracted to an outgoing person once upon a time. Do you recall the fights you had about your “different” priorities?
According to Harriet Goldhor Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger (Harper and Row Publishers, 1985) opposites may attract, but they don’t always live happily ever after. While it may be reassuring to live with someone who will express parts of one’s own self that one is afraid to acknowledge, the arrangement does have its inevitable costs. A woman who expresses feelings for herself and her husband will end up behaving “hysterically” and “irrationally”. The man who relies on his partner to do the “feeling work” for him will increasingly lose touch with this important aspect of himself. Therefore, when the time comes for him to draw upon his emotional resources, he may find he has none. While we know and understand that society discourages men from getting too emotionally connected or expressive, the lack thereof creates enormous problems for the man and his partner in relationships. The problem comes in when we, as women, manage our partners half of the relationship thereby protecting them from their own feelings. Women are universally good at managing their partner’s half of the relationship. It’s because we are nurturing and can express ourselves easily that we fall into this trap. When you establish this pattern early in the relationship, it becomes almost impossible to change. I learned a brilliant saying from Anthony Robbins: “Kill the Monster while it’s little.” For those already in established relationships, it may be difficult to back-pedal and change things, but it is important to note that you cannot and should not continue doing the feeling work for your partner. When you react strongly to an injustice done to your partner, you are robbing him of having his own strong feelings about the situation. You actually protect him from recognizing his own anger. When you dive in to strongly criticize the party who offended him he is left with the simpler job of coming to that person’s defense. It can drive you around the bend! Very often women expect their partners to defend them when they can and should defend themselves. The perfect example of this is in-laws. When your parents-in-law offend you, descend upon your home without adequate warning, or overstay their welcome (or give advice not asked for), why ask your partner to come to your defense? You are quite capable of approaching your in-laws and calmly explaining how you feel. By the same token, if your parents offend your partner, it is not your job to tell them off. That’s his job! Don’t fight his battles for him, you will only create a spineless jellyfish in the process and that will drive a wedge between you because no woman wants a spineless man. When we stop over-functioning for others and start acting for ourselves, our under-functioning partners are more likely to acknowledge and deal with their own anxieties.
Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

DEVELOP SOME CORE VALUES

2010-10-10T03:37:00.000-07:00

Coming from a dysfunctional family of alcoholism meant I didn’t grow up with a whole lot of positive values. I was taught the basics: say please and thank you, respect your elders, don’t lie (except when it came to hiding my family dysfunction), be polite, etc. But when those “values” taught are not followed through with example living or positive reinforcement, they actually don’t really mean much in the real world. Living as a confused and messed-up Co-dependent for forty years of my life didn’t help matters because I was running around taking care of everyone else’s needs except my own. So when I eventually sat down one day and asked myself “What are my core values in life?” I found I had to basically formulate them from scratch because I really didn’t know what they were. I knew what I wanted to be and where I had come from, and I realized that I needed to develop some core values in order to live a life of integrity. Having a child also helped me because I asked myself “What values do I want to teach and reinforce to my child that I was never taught?”
Anthony Robbins refers to the Ten Emotions of Power in his book “Awaken the Giant Within” and I found these values very helpful in setting up some standards in my own life.
1. Love and Warmth
Being warm, loving and approachable is key to creating serenity and peace in your life. If you’re angry and irritable all the time (as I was for years) people don’t enjoy your company and therefore don’t want to be around you.
2. Appreciation and Gratitude
When I started counting my blessings on a daily basis and learned how to feel grateful and appreciative for all the wonderful things and people in my life, I started to notice a dramatic change taking place. Remember that what you focus on expands. It’s the Law of Attraction. When you learn how to focus on and feel grateful for all the things that do work in your life, you start to notice more and more positivity filtering in. It’s really amazing.
3. Curiosity
Instead of allowing yourself to collapse under the weight of negative emotions, be curious and ask yourself: “I wonder what this means? I wonder what my soul is trying to tell me about this situation?” All negative emotions are feedback, giving you the opportunity to figure out a way to overcome them and find personal power within the situation. So be curious about everything and turn learning about life into a joyful journey of self discovery.
4. Excitement and Passion
Robbins says “Passion is unbridled power to move our lives forward at a faster tempo than ever before”. I’m a great believer in living your passion. What is the point of wasting your time doing something because you “have” to? What is your true passion in life? What are the things that really excite you and get you all juiced up? Those are the things you should focus on. I am passionate about helping women empower themselves because I want to share my transformation with others to show them that change is possible. I moved from being a messed-up Co-dependent to living a passionate life of balance and abundance in a short period of about 3 years. Therefore I feel passionate about change and empowerment. You’ve got to find out what your passion is and allow that to drive you forward. Success will only come your way when you are living your passion.
5. Determination
With determination you can accomplish anything and courage is the foundation from which determination is born. Determination is an emotional muscle and must be used regularly if you wish to see positive change in your life. If you make a commitment to reach a goal no matter what, and you stick to that, taking whatever action is necessary, you are practicing determination.
6. Flexibility
Flexibility is crucial if you want to be successful in life. Unless you are able to sway in the wind like a reed - going with the flow, so to speak – you will simply snap in half when a big “Hurricane of Life” hits (as it does from time to time). Being flexible means being able to evaluate your approach and ask yourself if there could be a better, more effective way of doing things.
7. Confidence
According to Robbins, the only way to consistently experience confidence is through the power of faith. This was one of my biggest lessons in life. After a massive “Hurricane of Life” hit me on my fortieth birthday, my whole world came tumbling down. I lost everything: my home, my business, my personal possessions, my reputation in business and my confidence. I was literally left homeless, penniless, unemployed and suicidal. It took a long time to restore my confidence in life, but what helped a great deal was developing faith that no matter what happened, I would be ok; I would always find a way to cope and survive. And when I realized this, and began to gather some evidence of the power of my new faith, my confidence was restored. I always tell women: “Confidence always overshadows everything!” People are naturally attracted to confident people. A man can meet the most gorgeous woman, but if she is insecure and constantly runs herself down, she loses her appeal. Likewise, a man can meet a “Plain Jane” with oodles of confidence and she becomes more and more attractive to him.
8. Cheerfulness
I used to be the most miserable cow on the planet. Honestly. I moaned about any and everything I could. I found fault with people and things all the time. I picked at my boyfriends until they were wrecks. While I was very good at my job, I was totally insufferable as a person.
When I began my transformation I added cheerfulness to the mix and wow! What a difference it made to my life. Realize that an eternally depressed person doesn’t feel cheerful. About anything. But when I made a conscious effort to stop feeling depressed and start feeling happy about my life, things shifted. Today I force myself to be cheerful. I whistle and laugh (which are things I rarely did before in my depressed state) and it makes a huge difference. Choose to add cheerfulness to your values and notice how much better life feels.
9. Vitality
Feeling on top of the world will never be possible if your health is in a bad state! Make a commitment today to improve your health and get yourself onto the best supplements on the market because you deserve it! I’m a former Adolescent Bulimic so my health has never been great. Part of my transformation meant sorting out my health, learning to eat properly and engaging in regular exercise. Thanks to my healthier lifestyle, I have never had more vitality. Today I can out-run my grown children and I’ve got more energy than all of them put together! You deserve to make your health your number one priority.
10. Contribution
There is nothing more powerful in life than giving to others in healthy and constructive ways. When you help others without compromising your own life and without trying to be a martyr, you feel immense pleasure and personal fulfillment. Its good “karma” and brilliant for your Prosperity Consciousness. I’m always tickled when I come across poor people who don’t give of themselves because they don’t realize that in order to move out of poverty they have to contribute. We’re a big global family. It’s only when we come together in a spirit of giving and helping do we begin to shift our own personal situations. Ask yourself: “What and how can I contribute to my community today that will make a difference?”

Amour Setter
Author: “The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

FORGIVING ISN'T FORGETTING

2010-10-09T05:52:00.000-07:00

I was taught that forgiveness is something that you have to earn. This limiting belief created a lot of problems for me, as I tended to hang onto bitterness and resentment because I was always expecting the person who had offended me to come forward and make amends. These days I’m a lot wiser, and I’ve taken to making amends to people I’ve hurt or offended a lot easier than in the old days. I’ve realized that forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, not for the people who have hurt us. However, I think it’s important to note that while forgiveness is something you need to do for yourself in order to move forward, restoring the relationship is not always the best thing to do. Forgiveness and Reconciliation are not twins. When the offender in your life has shown no remorse and has made no significant change, you would be ill-advised to allow the relationship to continue. I am not referring to loved ones who inadvertently offend you with their words or actions, but people who have deeply hurt you and are well aware of the consequences of their actions. I recently ended a relationship with a family member who repeatedly chose to address me disrespectfully, despite my pointing out that I would not tolerate such behavior. The cherry on the cake came when the person in question expected me to loan her money to pay her rent because her boss hadn’t paid her yet. We won’t mention that I had still not been paid back for a few previous loans. When I refused to loan her the money she hurled abuses at me and called me every derogatory name under the sun. A few years ago I might have loaned her the money out of a sense of obligation to keep the peace, but thankfully I’ve evolved since then and people can no longer hold me hostage with their guilt-trips. Until this person actually apologizes for her continual offensive behavior and commits to changing the way she treats me, I am simply refusing to be in contact with her. I do not feel guilty for taking such a hard stance because I now understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
While forgiveness is a process that takes place in the heart of the one doing the forgiving, reconciliation is a process that takes place between two people. Forgiveness is an internal decision to release the anger, resentment and bitterness that holds you back from having serenity in your life, while reconciliation is a decision to actually restore a relationship back to unity. Therefore reconciliation is only ever to be applied to those who actually apologize and show remorse for their actions. If the person who has caused you pain has not apologized and committed to making changes, reconnecting to that person may cause further pain for you and compromise your serenity. In the past I would always be the first to approach offenders and try to “make things right”. I thought I was being the better person. Nowadays I am much tougher on offenders and more self-nurturing. I have developed so much self-respect that people who deeply hurt or offend me, and are aware of this, have got to come forward and apologize or risk losing out on a relationship with me. Gone are the days when I would try to keep the peace at any cost. I no longer manage the other person’s half of the relationship. That is their job. I no longer do for others what they can and should do for themselves, which includes making amends. And neither should you. Your first obligation is to yourself and your own peace of mind. You are worthy and special which means people should treat you with honor and respect. Those who cannot do not deserve to be in your wonderful company!

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

AVOIDING FLAKY MEN

2010-10-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

I sincerely wish I had been educated on recognizing flaky characters when I was a teenager. If I’d known what to look out for back then, I could have saved myself a great deal of heartache. Let’s take a look at some character qualities that should send up the red flag:
• A man who doesn’t make a lot of eye-contact (what is he hiding?)
• A man who is keen to get you into the sack, but isn’t keen to introduce you to his family and friends (he’s only into casual sex)
• A man who doesn’t have the decency to collect you from your front door or pick you up for dates (he doesn’t have any manners and he won’t suddenly adopt them any time soon)
• A man who expects you to pick up the tab (big warning bell should be going off in your head)
• A man who starts borrowing money from you (even bigger warning bell should be going off in your head, otherwise lend him the money and watch what happens, guaranteed he won’t pay it back!)
• A man who tells you lies (even small ones!)
• A man who stares at other women in your company, flirts with them or has the cheek to take someone else’s number while out with you (he’s a lout, get rid of him yesterday already!)
• A man who has shaky boundaries and who doesn’t respect yours (he will want enmeshment and will only suffocate you)
• A man who expects you to fight his battles for him or cover for him when he messes up (he has no balls, which means he’ll never be able to protect you)
• A man who drinks excessively or whose behavior changes when he consumes alcohol (watch out, alcoholic!!!)
• A man who seems to be hiding things from you or seems cagey when you question him about certain things (not to be trusted)
• A man who doesn’t appear to have strong family ties or doesn’t feel that family should be important (loose cannon only looking for casual sex, parties and a good time)
• A man who dislikes children (if you are thinking of having a family)
• A man who is overbearing or threatened by your strength, opinions or career (he will try to cut you down whenever he feels threatened)
• A man who discourages you from seeing your family or friends (insecure lout, run a mile!)
• A man who is threatened by your friendships or ex’s (insecure lout, keep running!)
• An unemployed man or a man with financial problems (he may end up expecting you to pay for everything)
• A man who cannot stand up for himself (he may expect you to fight his battles for him)
• A divorced man who doesn’t pay child-support to his ex or doesn’t see his children regularly (doh, need I say more???)
• An unhygienic man with bad breath or bad body odour (you’ll have mother him)
• A man who doesn’t return your calls but waits a week or two to call you back (you’re on his “good time only” list)
• A man who talks about himself and doesn’t bother to ask questions about you, your family or your interests (egotistical)
• A man who is threatened by your passions & ideals (he’ll try to suppress you)
• Any man you suspect of abusing any substances (run a mile)
• A recovering addict or alcoholic (they should avoid all forms of romantic relationships for at least the first year of their sobriety)
• A man who is too attached to his mother (you’ll be trying to cut the umbilical cord for the rest of the relationship!)
• A man who hates his mother (all his mommy issues will be targeted at you!)
Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

MAKING WISER PARTNER CHOICES

2010-10-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

My greatest concern for the future of my gender is the fact that we are continually making bad partner choices. I look around me and see so many divorced mothers battling to get child-support from their ex’s. Yes there are rotten men out there who don’t give a damn about anyone else but themselves, but at what stage are we as a gender going to take responsibility for our own choices in life? When the fight for child-support starts taking up more than 50% of your focus and energy, you literally have very little energy left to enjoy your life or focus on things that really matter. The big question is: why do women keep making bad partner choices? I think the answer may very well lie in the sexual department. Allow me to explain.

In our grandparents day women were courted and paid the respect they deserved during the courtship. Men wooed their women and went all out to win them over. Women fell in love with men when they realized what their characters were made of and so tended to choose wisely. When they finally did tie the knot, the marriages of that day were built to last. Couples knew what true commitment meant. What sets those marriages apart from our marriages today is one simple thing: sex.

Women back then were courted by men without the complication of sex. Old values meant a great deal of women remained virgins until their marriages. With their hormones still intact, women were able to make wiser decisions about the men who wanted to marry them. And they were generally spoilt for choice in those days. Divorce was also quite taboo, as were having children out of wedlock. Society, therefore, protected women from being exploited by virtue of its strict moral codes. But today all of that has changed. As a result, the moral fabric of society is slowly unraveling into chaos & unhappiness resulting in scores of lonely, bitter women.

While I’m not the Virgin Mary by a long shot, and have obviously had my fair share of casual sex, short-lived relationships and unsuccessful marriages, I have come (through trial and error) to understand exactly why women (myself included) find ourselves in the predicament we are in! And at the risk of sounding like a nun, I honestly feel we can blame it all on sex. The minute we introduce sex into a union which has not developed into a loving and committed relationship, we are looking for trouble. At the risk of sounding like a stuck record (I blog about this quite regularly), I have to repeat that when women have sex with men too early in the relationship they lose the ability to be objective. Before sex a man will have the most interest in a woman, while after sex a woman will have the most interest in a man. It boils down to the hormone, Oxytocin, which means once a woman starts having sex she can no longer see the wood for the trees. She loses her objective view of the man, and becomes blinded to his faults. We all know how charming people can be in the beginning while they are dating. So therefore it makes sense to conclude that until you’ve been dating the person for at least 6 months, you don’t really know the person. The problem with our modern society is that women are having sex with their dates from the first date already, literally bonding themselves to these men without ever getting to know them properly. Before you know what’s happening you’re already in love, going all-out to make your man fall in love with you in return. You shower him with love, affection, attention and make him feel like the most important and most awesome guy on the planet. Sooner or later – if you’re not too careful – you will hear the pitter patter sound of little feet. But by then it’s far too late. What do you know about this guy? That he’s awesome in bed, makes a good living, drinks beer and watches soccer, has loads of friends, has a really sweet mom and a whacky brother? But what do you REALLY know about him? Do you know what his values are? Do you know what his character is really like? Do you know how he reacts under pressure? Do you know what his secrets are; his dreams, aspirations, fears? Do you know about his past? Most women literally fall into relationships so fast that backpedalling isn’t even an option, because often baby makes three. That’s when reality hits home hard. And that’s usually when it’s far, far too late.

You may marry the guy or cohabitate, and when the relationship is over he moves on and doesn’t look back. The Maintenance Court may become your second home but he has already found a replacement for you, while you fight and cry and tear your hair out because you are raising your child alone without his father or financial support. But let’s be honest. Whose fault is this? Ultimately it is your fault for choosing such a lout! If you had taken your time, held sex off as long as possible to give you a chance to get to know the guy properly, you might have realized he was a good-for-nothing loser and moved on. If you had stayed objective you would have seen the signs. Today, as I look back at the choices I made in partners and fathers for my children, I realized what an idiot I was. Actually, the signs were there right in the beginning but I ignored them. If you feel ready to settle down and start a family, or add to your existing family after a divorce, take your time, hold off on the sex for as long as possible and give yourself the opportunity to really get to know the guy properly before jumping his bones. While sex outside marriage may be socially acceptable nowadays, ultimately will it help you spot a decent, responsible man of integrity with strong family values and a willingness to raise his children in the most honorable way? If it blinds you to a man’s faults (and most times it will) then I highly recommend that you change your strategy and adopt new and more self-empowering beliefs about sex.

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE

2010-10-01T09:47:00.002-07:00

A few years ago I found myself in such deep and excruciating emotional pain that I was forced to either change or kill myself, because I could no longer live inside my miserable life. After a deeply traumatic experience I was forced to take a hard and calculating look at myself in the mirror. My life had become totally unmanageable, filled with one bad experience after another, and one rotten man after another. Try as I might I just couldn’t seem to find a decent man. The more I tried to run from rotten men (and people), the more I found myself surrounded by them. Eventually the penny dropped. I realized that the fault must lie with me, because NOBODY could possibly have as much bad luck with men as I had had. I realized that if I did not take responsibility for the things I was creating and attracting into my life, my life would continue to be miserable. I had to grow up or ship out of the human race. To say that I was suicidal at that point would be a huge understatement, for I was a miserable piece of meat dragging itself around on its knuckles each and every day. Where other people might have drowned their sorrows and sought solace in drugs or the bottle, I flagellated myself with my pain, reveling in the guilt and remorse I felt for taking up space on the planet. It would have been impossible to have found anyone else on the planet who felt sorrier for themselves than I did. Guaranteed. When I literally ran out of people to blame for my woes, I knew I had to make some drastic changes. I began to realize that EVERYTHING that had happened “to me” had actually been invited by me. In other words, all the decisions I took and the actions that followed culminated in scenarios unfolding which were totally my own doing. From choosing three rotten husbands in a row (I mean, really!), a rotten business partner who threw me in an Arab jail in the middle of the desert when I wanted to leave our business partnership and several rotten friends who stabbed me in the back several times, I really had made some pretty lousy choices. But to say that I suffered bad luck would be taking the coward’s approach, for I don’t believe in good or bad luck. We make our own luck. When I realized I was completely responsible for my reality, I began to emerge from my dreamy state of angry denial.

The first thing I did was owned my part in all that was wrong with my life. For significant change to take place we have to take responsibility, instead of shifting blame. When I began to acknowledge that I had created all my bad situations, and that the other people were merely “dance partners” in my dramas, I began to see things in perspective. I began to see the difference between low vibrational emotions (depression and anxiety) and high vibrational emotions (happiness and serenity). I no longer wanted to feel depressed, and I no longer wanted to keep relying on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication to keep me from slitting my wrists. I figured everything in life was a choice, and I could choose to feel like crap or I could choose to feel like a million bucks. After reading some awesome motivational material from mentors like Jim Rohn, Anthony Robbins, Wayne Dyer and Abraham Hicks, I decided to take the plunge and instigate positive change in my life. What did I have to lose? I had already lost everything at that point in time. I was broke, homeless, unemployed and seriously considering suicide as a way out of my misery. I figured I was a lousy mother and that my son was actually better off without me in his life. But thank God for that pain and that low point in my life because I know I will NEVER go back there ever again. Throwing away my medication was scary. I had been relying on pills to keep me alive for about 7 years. Taking that bold step and convincing myself that I had the power to decide how I wanted to feel was one of the most courageous things I had ever done. I began focusing on positive things and staying in a positive and peaceful state of mind. Initially it was hard and there were days when I fell down and felt I would never get up again. But I did and I worked harder at owning my own life. I had a journal back then and probably spent 2 – 3 hours a day obsessively focusing on staying “up”, but it was better than medication and cheaper than a shrink and eventually it began to work. The more I trained myself to be positive, the easier it became. Within a few short months after starting my internal work, my life began to change for the better. Damaged people began to drop out of my life and I began to attract positive people. My finances steadily improved and I started realizing goals I thought I could never achieve. I looked back at my choices in marriage partners and saw my pattern. I was a confirmed Co-dependent which meant I was a Perfectionist, Control-Freak, Manipulator-Extraordinaire and Hater of anyone I couldn’t control. But I was also totally naïve in many ways (thanks to my immature approach to life). I began to examine my Co-dependency, looked at my control issues and realized that if I didn’t change I would continue having toxic relationships in my life. In the past addicts would hone in on me like flies on a piece of horse shit and I would find them charming, cute and oh-so-attractive in a twisted kind of way. Then I would go about rescuing them from themselves and take total control of their lives. It would give me a sense of power to know that I could manipulate the person in any way I chose. But of course I only saw this once I started working on changing myself, because at the time I thought I was the bees knees: kind, supportive and compassionate. Talk about seeing a Queen instead of an ogre starring back at you in the mirror. Urgh!

Today I am so grateful to say that addicts do not find me attractive in the least bit. In fact when they meet me they run like hell. I am no longer attracted to them, but can taste bile in the back of my throat and a shiver down my spine when I shake their hands. Thank God! Even sober addicts who have not done the work to change themselves run from me. Today I have healthy boundaries and know where I start and end and where someone else begins. There is no more enmeshment, which means I am able to make my own decisions based on what’s healthy and what my instincts tell me, not what someone else suggests to me based on their fears and insecurities. I have no more empty spaces that need filling by someone else with greater needs than my own. I’ve learned to fill them all myself and I’ve learned to love the person I’ve become. Every day I wake up with gratitude in my heart for the serenity I’ve earned. All my needs are taken care of and there is no reason for me to stress about anything in my life. Since my transformation in 2007 I had earnestly prayed for closure on an old relationship that had plagued me for seven years and recently I’ve found my closure. Now I can finally close that chapter of my life and move forward with more excitement than ever before.

No more can we blame others for our own woes in life. No more can we blame luck for our bad choices. We have to look at the ogre in the mirror and start to own those parts of ourselves that we have hidden in denial. When we take out the mirror instead of the magnifying glass, we can start to shift, mature and move forward to becoming all that we were ever meant to be. And so much more!

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

FATHERS WHO RUN AWAY

2010-10-01T02:47:00.001-07:00

Visit the Maintenance section of any Magistrate’s court in South Africa and you will find it packed to the brim with angry, weary and sad mothers waiting in line to get assistance from the courts in forcing their children’s fathers to pay up. I always wondered why women have to resort to the courts. Why is it that so many men run away from their responsibilities? Could it have anything to do with anger and revenge? “If you want to leave me then I won’t support our child- kind-of-mentality?” I always wondered how these men lived with themselves knowing that their children were growing up without adequate financial support from the very humans who spawned them. Are they in some way trying to punish the mothers for not staying with them? It’s common knowledge that the best way to hurt a mother is through her child. I am always, without failure, completely surprised whenever I come across a divorced father who actually pays his maintenance each month. Most divorced women I speak to complain that their child-support payments are sporadic or non-existent.

According to a recent article by Jane van Velsen (http://ezinearticles.com/?Divorce-in-South-Africa---Your-Best-Options&id=1561993) most South Africans divorce within the first five to nine years of marriage and most of those are initiated by women. She also cites the most common reason for divorce in South Africa as simply couples drifting apart, followed by drug and alcohol abuse (cocaine use being prevalent), physical abuse and unemployment.

In certain states in America, parents who don’t pay their child-support can be found guilty of a felony and may serve up to 5 years. In South Africa non-payment of child support can see the non-paying parent found guilty of a crime and sentenced through the courts. But what do you do when you have walked the road through the courts, sued for maintenance and your ex is found guilty of non-payment. What then? If he doesn’t pay, he can spend time in prison. Is that really something you want hanging over your head?

Newly divorced with two small children in tow, I walked the Maintenance Court road for the first time in the early 90’s. All my friends said “Sue the bastard, he has to be made to pay up” and so I did. He was ordered to pay up or risk getting a criminal record. He didn’t pay up and was duly arrested by the police, driven across the country in the back of a police van and thrown in jail for the weekend while he awaited a court appearance for non-payment of his child support. He was found guilty (he had the means to pay, but decided to withhold child-support to “punish” me) and was given a 5 year suspended sentence. No jail time but a stern warning from the Magistrate. My ex husband’s family was up in arms that a woman could be so cruel and my children never heard the end of it. To this day his family still loathe the ground I walk on. A few years later I found myself back at the Maintenance Court once again, as my second husband refused to pay his child support. I had a feeling of Déjà vu as I sat amongst all the frustrated mothers waiting for support from the courts. History does tend to repeat itself in our lives, because we tend to attract the same type of man until we learn to break that destructive pattern. So it should really not have surprised me in the slightest that I would end up in court suing for non-payment of child-support yet again! While my heart bleeds for all the mothers who have to fight for child support and struggle along on their own, I was recently reminded how much we all create our own reality. Years ago I was a messed-up co-dependent who attracted alcoholic husbands who didn’t posses a responsible bone in their bodies. Today I am thankfully beyond attracting messed-up men into my life because I’ve done the work. The irony is that I recently “found” my ex-husband who went into hiding for seven years after (surprise, surprise) ditching his maintenance obligations. I’m not interested in fighting him for his child-support because I don’t want all that drama in my life again, despite the fact that he owes me thousands.
Today I am more interested in keeping messed-up people out of my life, and attracting healthy, balanced people into my life. What is so sad about the huge child-support problem in western society isn’t how raw a deal women and children get. It’s about what bad partner choices women continually make. Yes we need stricter laws in place to punish men who relinquish their responsibilities. But ultimately we need better education. Women need to be taught how to choose more responsible partners to raise families with so that they don’t get left on the street. I honestly believe if I’d made better choices in the partners I chose to have children with, I’d have saved myself a great deal of heartache over the years.

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

DATING IS A NUMBERS GAME

2010-09-13T03:48:00.000-07:00

In life there seems to be what is known as the 90/10 rule. Business people often quote this rule by saying that 10% of the people on the planet hold the wealth, while 90% of the people on the planet are poor. They also say that only 10% of the people on the planet are prepared to do the work, the other 90% are too lazy, so would that perhaps explain why only 10% of the people on the planet are wealthy? I also feel that this 90/10 rule extends to dating.

If you’ve had terrible luck in dating then it’s time to become part of the 10% of people who do get lucky! Dating, like most things in life, is a numbers game. In order to meet decent men you do, unfortunately, have to kiss a few toads along the way (or not if you choose not to!) But if you think Mr Right is going to fall from the heavens, knock on your door holding a bunch of red roses and ask you out on a date, think again! It just isn’t going to happen, girlfriend! You actually have to get out and meet men in order to get dates lined up. But how do you meet men? Here are a few tips:

• Hang out at a coffee shop in a busy metropolitan area where you know successful men stop off for coffee or meet colleagues for lunch
• Let all your married friends know you are open to meeting single men and ask them to hook you up for a date
• Accept invitations to parties, launches and functions
• Get out of the house and do something sociable: take your dog for a walk on the beach, go window-shopping at the mall, anything that will force you to get out of your home
• Join a reputable dating site and post up an honest and down-to-earth profile of yourself
• Try speed-dating
• Arrange to meet your girlfriends for drinks at a singles bar or busy restaurant where single men hang out

The more men you date, the more your chances of finding Mr Right improve. You are unlikely to have fireworks with the first guy you have a date with, so relax, get comfortable and get dating! As you move through the row of men available to you, the better your chances of finding Mr Right!

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

HOW TO BE MORE ASSERTIVE

2010-09-03T03:48:00.000-07:00

Women have historically been raised to back down and accept abuse. Nobody will argue that. Just take a look at women in the Middle East. But fortunately we are learning to take a stand and create healthier relationships in our lives. We don’t need to accept abuse anymore, no matter who is dishing it out. If your interactions with certain people leave you feeling smothered, judged, unworthy or disempowered, it’s time to re-evaluate those relationships. Dr Colinda Linde (“Get the balance right” – Metz Press) suggests that any interaction with someone where you both feel balanced and equal can be considered healthy. But if either of you is feeling drained, hurt or damaged as a result of that interchange then there is an element of toxicity there that needs to be examined. The same goes if one of you feels empowered at the expense of the other.

Once you’ve identified the toxic relationships in your life, it’s time to set up some boundaries. Bear in mind that some of the toxic relationships in your life can be rehabilitated and some can’t. You need to detach from those that can’t be rehabilitated for your own emotional and mental health. The way to do that is to be assertive. However, don’t confuse being assertive with being aggressive.
Aggression is:
• When you violate someone else’s rights to their opinion or choices physically or verbally, directly or indirectly
• When you use abusive language and accusations
• When you use a sarcastic or negative tone
• When you are violent or break things
• When you use threatening body-language

Being assertive means you stick to the facts, using expressions such as “I feel”, “I think” or “For me”. According to Dr Colinda Linde assertion recognizes and respects that people have differences of opinion, and is open to negotiation and compromise on both sides. It’s okay to disagree and healthy relationships prove that people can agree to disagree.

Setting boundaries with people may include the following:
• Making it clear you will not tolerate abuse of any kind
• Not allowing yourself to get “guilted” into giving in to other people’s demands
• Telling people who are consistently late for meetings or appointments that you won’t wait more than 15 minutes
• Refusing to rescue people from situations they created for themselves, either emotionally or financially
• Limiting contact with family members who don’t respect your boundaries
• Ending toxic relationships with people where rehabilitation of those relationships may be impossible
• Not allowing strangers to become too familiar with you until you have had the opportunity to get to know them better
• Refusing to laugh at dirty jokes targeted at demoralizing women
• Keeping people at arm’s length until you feel safe to open up to them

For many women setting boundaries may be a new and stressful thing, especially if they have been in abusive relationships in the past. But the gains in self-esteem and confidence make it all worth it. However, be warned that people who have taken advantage of you in the past may not warm to the idea of your new boundaries. Just stick to them and don’t budge. Eventually people will get the message and start to treat you with more respect.
Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

WHY ARE MEN SO ANGRY?

2010-08-31T02:34:00.000-07:00

Because men and women are wired so differently, men are by nature more aggressive. Nobody will argue that. But when their aggression gets out of control, we have a problem. If a man’s anger is focused on the injustices of the world it can motivate him to take action. But if he feels someone or something is standing in the way of his fulfillment, he lashes out. According to authors Bill & Pam Farrel (“Single Women are like Spaghetti, Single Men are like Waffles”) anger takes on many unwelcome faces in the life of a man. Anger can turn into abandonment as he flees the scene he has lost control of, or it can turn into abuse if he hasn’t settled the issues of his manhood and allows himself to be threatened by those weaker than himself. The authors suggest that men actually like the feeling of anger because it makes them feel powerful. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive feelings and behaviors which allow us to fight and defend ourselves when we’re under attack. Therefore a certain amount of anger is necessary for our survival.

John Gottman and Neil Jacobson, in the article “Anatomy of a Violent Relationship,” explain that “batterers share a common profile: they’re unpredictable, unable to be influenced by their wives, and impossible to prevent from battering once an argument has begun.” What is most alarming is the fact that most battered women are live-in girlfriends, not wives! The authors of this article further explain that “battering is physical aggression with a purpose: to control, intimidate and subjugate another human being. It’s always accompanied by emotional abuse, often involves injury, and virtually always causes fear in the battered woman.” Social scientists studying batterers made some interesting observations . They never heard the men say phrases like, “That’s a good point,” or “I never thought of that.” Eighty percent of batterers hold unrelenting contempt for women and yet are extremely dependent on them. Batterers gain control of women through belittling, name calling, swearing and constant demands. And since control is so vital to these men, many will deny a woman’s reality by telling her she imagined abusive situations or that she is over reacting. This, when used in combination with methods to isolate the woman from other people causes battered women to doubt their own sanity.

Heather Formaini ( “Men the Darker Continent”) feels that men are damaged from a very young age due to being raised predominantly by women, with very little, if any, assistance from the fathers in society. She feels that men learn very early through observations of the social world that women are thought to be inferior to men. Because of this, boys come to hate the part of themselves that love their mothers. The split that began as an ambivalent feeling becomes hardened. What’s interesting to note is the suggestion that boys raised by single mothers do not sense the so-called inferiority of their mothers – a sense which can come directly from the father. As a result, Formaini feels men battle to get intimately close to a woman. This is because they do not have flexible psychological boundaries in their internal reality, and thus to maintain their personal identity they must keep others at a distance. Which may explain why so many “heterosexual” men (30 – 40% according to Kinsey’s research in 1948) had at least one sexual experience to orgasm with another man. Most recent research shows that between 50 and 70% of men in Western Society who claim to be heterosexual do in fact have ongoing sexual relationships with other men. It appears that while many may describe themselves as exclusively heterosexual, many (who are very likely married) live as bisexual men. Their partners rarely know anything about their sexual behavior. This kind of sexual engagement is described as “low-emotion, high-sensation sex.” So what’s with all the secrecy? Why not just come out and live as a bisexual man? It’s called “having your cake and eating it” if you’ll excuse the rude pun. Unable to integrate the missing parts of themselves, many men would rather act out and get what they want in secrecy, which holds the most excitement, thereby killing two birds with one stone. High risk sex which brings maximum excitement with no emotional involvement.

You may be excused for thinking I’m a man-hater to write this blog, but the truth is I find this subject deeply fascinating. Society is always focusing on what’s wrong with women (PMS, Menopause, Depression, etc) that I like to even the playing field by examining the other side. I have two wonderful son’s whom I adore to bits and had a loving & supportive father when I was growing up. We all know it’s a man’s world out there. It helps to examine why many men are so angry today and perhaps gain a deeper understanding of what makes them tick.

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

HELP END FEMALE STONINGS IN THE MIDDLE EAST

2010-08-26T02:19:00.000-07:00

Women cannot stand back and watch other women being beaten to death or unjustly treated. Silence is consent and when we don’t raise our voices, we condone the behaviour. While Westerners may be living in the “free” world (although I really do question how free we actually are in this male-dominated society), our sisters in the Middle East are suffering at the hands of ruthless men. Many are convicted of crimes they never committed and some are being stoned to death for these alleged crimes. I recently became aware of one such woman’s plight in Iran. Sakineh Ashtiani was sentenced to death by stoning for allegedly cheating on her husband. After tremendous pressure from other world leaders, the charge was changed to murder and she was sentenced to death by hanging. Activist organization, Avaaz (www.avaaz.org) intervened and created huge awareness of the case through the international media. Over 30,000 people donated money to an emergency ad campaign run by Avaaz. They ran full page ads in some of the largest newspapers in Brazil and Turkey, as well as online advertising. The print ads depict Prime Minister Erdogan and President Lula holding a picture of Sakineh, with the title: “Her Life is in your Hands”.

The response was fantastic. Brazilian President Lula offered Sakineh asylum, but Avaaz was still heavily focused on getting Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan to weigh in. Turkish media carried the story in dozens of places in print and TV news. Press reports say Erdogan has actually tasked his government to pursue "intense telephone diplomacy" with Iran on Sakineh's behalf, and Lula has also strengthened his position. Proof yet again that Activism works!

According to Avaaz, Iran has responded by changing tack. International pressure appears to have saved Sakineh from being stoned for adultery, but now the regime says it now plans to hang her for murdering her husband - a charge against her that was officially dropped 4 years ago. Last week, they aired a blurry and barely audible confession from Sakineh on national television. Sakineh's lawyer says the confession was forced after 2 days of torture. Last week Iran rapidly carried out judicial reviews and commuted other stoning sentences to hanging and lashes for a 25 and 19 year woman. And while Iranian domestic opinion might be influenced by such tactics, Iran now knows without doubt that it is harming its relationship with two of its only remaining allies, Turkey and Brazil, by denying Sakineh justice. At this point, they must want this case to go away.

Avaaz says Sakineh's whole trial was a travesty of justice by any standard, including Iran's. They feel that if the pressure is kept up, there is still a chance to invalidate her death sentence. They have called for massive global action from us all, and I would urge you to become involved. For too long the West has stood back and watched innocent women being brutally slain. This must stop and we must take a global stand. Avaaz is urging people to flood Iranian embassies all over the world with phone calls, voice messages, even visits. They will report all contacts to Tehran, which will get a sense of the strength of global concern. Iran's leaders claim that the campaign for Sakineh is a western crusade, but the Avaaz community is spread across the world. They want to show Iran that this is no western crusade against Iran, but a global campaign for justice. Below is a list of phone numbers for embassies in each country. Scroll down to read it, and please take 2 minutes to make a phone call.

Thanks to the efforts of the Activists at Avaaz, they have helped Sakineh move from being another quiet victim of an archaic punishment to a symbol in the fight for justice that even Iran's most powerful leaders must contend with. The outlook for Sakineh is still grave, but it is in the darkest hour that hope has its greatest power. I salute the Avaaz team for standing up for what is right!

Here's the list of numbers (international codes and alternative numbers in brackets):

Australia (+61) 02 62907000 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting (+61) 02 62907000 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
Austria: (+43) (0)1 712 2650
Belgium:(+32) 02 762 3745 (2 762 3771)
Brazil: (61) 3242-5733 (3242-5124 / 3242-5874)
Canada: (613) 235 4726
Denmark: (+39) 1 60071
Finland: (+358) 9 6845391
France: (01) 4069 7900 (4069 7971)
Germany: (+49) (0)30 84353399
Greece: (+30) 210 674 1436
India: (+91) 11- 332 9600 (332 9601 / 332 9602 / 332 0491)
Ireland: (+353) 1 188 5881 (288 0252 / 288 2967)
Italy: (+39) 06 863 28485 (8632 8486)
Japan: (+81) 3-3446-8011
Mexico: (+52) 55 9172 2699
New Zealand: (+64) 4 386 2976
Norway:(+47) 22 552 409
Portugal: (+ 351) 1 304 1850
South Africa: (+27) 12 342 5881
Spain: (+ 34) 91 345 01 12 (91 345 0116 / 91 345 0652)
Sweden: (+46) 8 765 0829 (765 3174 / 767 7929)
Switzerland: (+41) (0)31 351 0801 (351 0802)
Turkey: (+90) 312- 468 2821
UK: (+ 44) (20) 7 225 3000 - switchboard
USA: (+1) (202) 965-4990

If you can't see your country in the list, you can find a full list here: http://www.iranchamber.com/embassy/iran_embassy.php

If they stop picking up the phone don't despair - it means they are getting the message. Let's keep the phones ringing off the hook. If you're unsure of what to say when you call, don't worry, the call itself is the most important thing. Substantively, you might consider 3 simple points:
1. You're relieved that Iran has invalidated Sakineh's sentence of stoning for adultery, and urge the government to ensure stoning is banned throughout Iran.
2. You're concerned that Sakineh has been denied a fair trial and justice in the murder charge against her, particularly given this charge has already been dismissed. You call on the Iranian authorities to release Sakineh.
3. You urge the government to set an example by ensuring fairness and justice in this and other cases, and take further steps to ensure that, under Iranian law, no one can be executed on charges of adultery, whether by stoning or any other means.
Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

WE WANT DIFFERENT THINGS

2010-08-25T12:52:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest obstacles in dating is the lack of understanding that exists between the sexes. We are poles apart and anyone who argues that we are the same is probably smoking your grandfather’s socks! Where men compartmentalize everything in their lives, women are able to connect everything. We like to talk about our problems, men like to figure them out alone. Men are, by nature, problem solvers. If you discuss a problem with him, he’s sure to dive in and try to find a solution. This becomes very frustrating when you are just venting because he will see this as pressure to find a solution to your problem. Regarding their careers, men will consider what it takes to be successful and focus on it. A man will strategically organize his life in boxes and spend time in the ones he’s more likely to succeed in. According to authors Bill and Pam Farrel in their book “Single Men are like Waffles, Single Women are like Spaghetti” a man who always falls short at work or feels he never meets the expectations of those around him may feel he’s good at being lazy. They suggest he will then develop a commitment to being lazy because he knows he can do that with the same proficiency all the time. Well that certainly explains a lot! Since men are naturally drawn to things that allow them to be successful, it makes sense that they find it so easy to develop hobbies that consume their time. When a man finds something he’s good at, it makes him feel good about himself and about his life. So where men like to do, women like to talk. Women need to talk things through because in conversation we can link the logical, emotional, rational and spiritual aspects of topics and make sense of our world. Where men generally can only focus on one box at a time, women can watch television, paint their nails, talk on the phone and cook dinner all at the “same-same time-time”. Recognizing this difference between the sexes certainly paves the way for a deeper understanding.

According to the Society of Neuroscience, research has confirmed that men’s brains are, on average, approximately 10 percent larger than women’s brains. Does that make men more intelligent? Of course not! Studies show that women use both sides of their brains, while men only use one side during the performance of certain tasks. If men and women are so very different from one another, it makes sense that dating is challenging to both sexes. Research shows that the biggest frustrations single women face with single men are that they don’t talk, won’t listen and won’t commit. Men, on the other hand, complain that women give mixed signals, have different expectations at different times and that they never say what they mean. They also complain that women are too oversensitive. Men and women also differ in what they want in the opposite sex. Men are looking for caring beauties who are good listeners, while women are looking for men who are able to be objective even under pressure and who are strong and protective, yet vulnerable enough to share their feelings. Tall order indeed. It’s no wonder many people still find themselves single. While some women might interpret the word “Bachelor” as a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable, and the word “Committed Man” as someone you’d find in a mental hospital, they still dream of finding Mr Right. What they don’t want is Mr Right All The Time! The answer to our problems in relation to the opposite sex seem to be a deeper understanding of one another and the ability to listen. We are not born good listeners. Listening is a learned skill, like tennis or knitting. So before you dash out on your next date, practice listening skills. And have realistic expectations of the opposite sex.

Amour Setter
Author: the BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

DO SLUTS DESERVE THE LABEL?

2010-08-19T22:37:00.001-07:00

I’ve been reading a lot about slut-shaming on various blog sites recently and find the entire subject (and the arguments for and against) quite pathetic, to say the least. While I acknowledge that everyone has their own views I am quite disturbed by some of the arguments. One blogger sums it up: “Slut-shaming, also known as slut-bashing, is the idea of shaming and/or attacking a woman or a girl for being sexual, having one or more sexual partners, acknowledging sexual feelings, and/or acting on sexual feelings. Furthermore, it’s “about the implication that if a woman has sex that traditional society disapproves of, she should feel guilty and inferior”.

Another says: “Put in the most simple terms, slut-shaming happens when a person “publicly or privately [insults] a woman because she expressed her sexuality in a way that does not conform with patriarchal expectations for women.” Perhaps men did originally coin the phrase. But in the modern-day society I live in, women who have sexual feelings, express them and choose to have multiple sexual partners are not generally referred to as sluts. A classy, sophisticated woman who chooses her sexual partners carefully and maintains her independence is not generally referred to as a slut. While it is common knowledge that I preach temporary chastity (to help women protect themselves against sexual exploitation), even I wouldn’t jump to slut-shaming unless I felt the woman in question invited that label. A woman who dresses like a prostitute, throws herself at men and uses sex to manipulate men I wouldn’t hesitate to label as a slut. She is a total embarrassment to the female race because she perpetuates the belief that all woman are shallow, stupid and manipulative.

A man might easily hop into bed with a “loose woman” (aka a slut), but does he want to have a long-term relationship with her? No way! And why not, you may be asking? What’s good for the goose surely is also good for the gander. It’s okay for him to jump her bones and walk away sexually satisfied in the morning, but not okay to put a ring on her finger and make her the mother of his offspring. What women fail to realize is that men were designed to “spread their seed” far and wide to keep the human race alive. That’s not to say they cannot or should not control their sexual urges. But nothing I (or you for that matter) say is going to change the fact that men pursue women primarily for sex. The sooner we face that fact and learn to live with it, the better for all. A slut – to me anyway – is actually just a very naive woman. Naive because she perhaps doesn’t realize that sex isn’t going to score her any points. Giving it up on the first date generally isn’t going to secure her a long-term relationship, because men in general don’t walk the distance with a woman who “gave it up too easily” on the first date. If she holds back and gets to know the man a bit better first, chances are he’ll develop a lot more respect for her. And she’ll develop a lot more self-respect in the process. Men are attracted to intelligence and self-respect.

Men and women are NOT equal. We are different. Very different. Women always have the final say about sex. That sets us apart from men. And they know it. If they can manipulate us into the sack, game over! What is left for them to pursue? The chase is over in a flash and all the mystery is gone. Men don’t get called sluts because they can have all the sex they want in society and not get judged for it for a reason. We were not designed to spread our seed because we cannot. We were designed to receive seed and breed offspring. The introduction of the contraception pill did not make us equal. It only gave us control over how many pregnancies we chose to have.

I do not wish to be like a man and sleep with anything that moves. I revel in my femininity. I enjoy being treated with respect and having the door held open for me or having my seat pulled back for me. I have learned what makes men tick and I am thankful for our differences. I have self-respect and don’t “give it up” to strangers for a reason. And not because I will be labeled a slut, but because I do not wish to give myself so intimately to someone I don’t know from a bar of soap. While some women can enjoy sex for the sex alone, I cannot. I am sensitive and feel that the most private parts of my body are there to be shared with a man whom I have an emotional connection to.

Amour Setter
Author: “The BITCH’S Guide to Dating”
www.amoursetter.com

WHEN'S HE'S REALLY NOT INTO YOU

2010-08-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

You would be forgiven for thinking that the object of your desire has been run over by a bus or dropped his cell phone in the pool when you don’t hear from him after what you thought was a successful date. I mean, let’s face it, you were your charming self, looked like a million bucks and wore that expensive perfume you saved for so long to get. And all the other guys in the room were starring at you. So what’s happened to your man? The one whom you thought would walk you down the aisle?

Men might not come right out and say they aren’t interested in you. After all, if he runs out of options he might just call you for some late night nookie, right? Or he doesn’t want you to think badly of him. He’d prefer you to tell all your girlfriends what a great guy he is. How do you know when he’s not interested and if he genuinely just simply lost his phone with your number on it? Girls get this: if he was interested in you, trust me, you would have heard from him already. If he did lose his phone with your number on it, he would have made a plan to track you down. Where there’s a will, there’s a way! Modern thinkers believe that women shouldn’t hang around waiting for a guy to call them. They suggest you pick up the damn phone and call the guy yourself. Here’s why that doesn’t work:
• Men don’t like to be pressurized into dating. They enjoy being the ones to choose who they date.
• Men are intimidated by women who come on too strong. They’re afraid you will rob them of all their masculinity.
• Men enjoy the chase. Women who make themselves available too easily lose their mystery and attraction.
• While a guy might want to hop into bed with a woman who comes on so strongly, they won’t necessarily want to date you or have a relationship with you. Don’t believe me? Give it a try. Make that call, set up that first date and watch how he tries to get you into his bed.
• When you make yourself too available a guy wonders what you have going on in your life. He wonders if you are desperate and why you aren’t going on other dates. A red flag goes up and he treads with caution.
• A guy is a lot more interested in a woman who isn’t that interested in him! Have you watched a Rom-Com lately? Notice how the girl was never interested in the guy to begin with and how he won her over? Guys love to win women over with their charm. Don’t rob him of that opportunity.

So what should you do if he doesn’t call by the third day? Simple. Lose his number! Don’t fret, don’t obsess. Just delete his number off your phone. If he should call again after a week or so, try really hard to forget the date or where you met him and make him work hard to help you remember. And whatever you do, don’t make yourself easily available for a 2nd date after not hearing from him for a week! Does this sound like game-playing? Maybe, but if you’re like most girls who find a guy they’re finally attracted to, you’ll want to dive in with gusto and tie him down. Restrain yourselves, ladies. I know how tempting that may be. But holding back and being reserved will ultimately work in your favor. Just try it. Next time you meet a nice guy, hold back, be a little reserved and watch how he’ll try to win you over.

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

HONESTY MAKES US MORE REAL

2010-08-10T02:42:00.000-07:00

Human beings are not very honest with one another, let’s face it. We tend to have somewhat shallow relationships with one another in an attempt to protect ourselves from being hurt and disappointed. I’m always so amazed at how good people are at hiding their true feelings from one another. Relationships not based on total honesty are therefore not built to last. We come into daily contact with a lot of different people: clients, neighbors, friends, shoppers, employees, employers, our children, in-laws, etc. Obviously we cannot have a deeply honest relationship with every person we come into contact with, especially strangers. But we can try to take our current relationships to a more honest level.

Letting down your guard with your loved ones is a good place to start. We are not always the strong rocks we make ourselves out to be. By appearing totally in control at all times, when we are actually feeling vulnerable and insecure is totally dishonest. When we constantly project something we are not truly feeling, we are being dishonest. We cannot expect to find sympathy and support for ourselves when we do not let people know exactly what is going on in our lives. If we cannot relax and share our hearts with the people closest to us, we need to re-evaluate exactly what those relationships mean to us.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are just feelings. We can judge people’s actions, but we cannot judge their feelings because they are the owners of their emotions and each person experiences emotions differently. I celebrate women who are able to be honest about themselves. I celebrate mothers who speak out and choose honesty, instead of living in a dark cave of denial. We are only human. We make mistakes, we say things we sometimes wish we could take back, we yell, swear and insult when silence would have been the best thing. But when we are honest about who we are and what we feel, people tend to be a lot more forgiving. When we climb off our high pedestals and come down to earth, we find other human beings warmer and more accepting.

I recently shared dinner with a group of women who were very brave and honest about their feelings for their adult children. I felt great admiration for them because to admit to not liking your own child requires a great deal of honesty. And risk. Society demands that women accept their maternal duties with great enjoyment, when the truth is that most single mothers (and a few married ones) actually have a very hard time parenting their children. Not everyone was born with great parenting genes. Some of us are better at it than others, and we should not judge the parents who don’t have such a great time raising their kids. As women who generally put everyone else’s needs first, we may also find a great deal of resistance from our sisters when we decide to put our own needs first. When we give up our dreams to raise our children, look after our ailing parents or support our spouses, we become dishonest. Women are so good at hiding their true feelings to keep the peace in their homes that they often lose themselves in the chaos. Many over-identify with their families or their children and tend to live their lives through their children, ignoring their own needs and dreams in the process. Becoming honest can mean the following:
• Setting healthier boundaries with your children by expressing your true feelings
• Setting more time aside for yourself and your privacy
• Learning to put your own needs first instead of always catering to everyone else’s needs
• Learning to say “No” when you feel like it, instead of agreeing to do things to keep the peace
• Adopting hobbies that force you to spend time away from your family to give you some space
• Asking for help and support from your loved ones instead of being a martyr
• Giving people space to live their lives without suffocating them with your views or making them over dependent on you

When we become honest with ourselves, first and foremost, we can take the next step and become honest with the people around us. Peeling back the mask we hide behind is often risky, but always liberating. Saying what we mean and meaning what we say is often the first step towards breeding more honesty in our relationships.

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

WHEN MOTHERS HATE THEIR KIDS

2010-08-09T03:10:00.004-07:00

At a recent dinner party attended by mostly older women, the conversation invariably turned to children. What I heard both shocked and delighted me, for I had finally found the honesty and openness I had long been seeking from women. Conversations, I might add, that most women were too afraid to have with their friends. But perhaps the honesty could be blamed on the outstanding Signal Hill wine, for no sooner had the first glasses been drained than confessions gushed out like the Niagra Falls. Or perhaps it was because the women felt safe, knowing everyone at the dinner table shared their sentiments about kids? While we all acknowledged deep love for our children, and everyone agreed that they wouldn’t trade their kids for anything in the world, most present admitted that they would never had had children had they realized how hard motherhood was.

“I just can’t seem to get along with my 25 year old daughter” said *Ellen who is fast approaching fifty. Ellen complained that her daughter has no direction, lies to her constantly and abuses drugs. Every time they see one another the cat-claws come out and Ellen goes into defense mode about her personal choices in life, from the way she decorates her home to the way she chooses to spend her money. “I dread her visits” said Ellen wearily. Since Ellen seems to be under constant attack from her daughter, it is no wonder that resentment has built up. *Mona felt no different. The relationship with her 23 year old son is marred by disagreements and months of silence. “I constantly have to run after him, if I don’t contact him, there is just no contact” lamented Mona. I turned to *Sharon who was having problems with her teenage daughter. “If I knew then what I know now, I’d never have had kids! My son is the laziest kid on the planet. I slave away for him 24/7 and don’t even get thanks for anything I do for him. He is exactly like his lazy father!” It was *Jenny’s turn. “The thing that irks me the most about my young adult kids is how little gratitude there seems to be. My kids know I’m struggling financially, but my daughter will constantly plead poverty and extract a buck from me at every opportunity. She knows just which guilt buttons to push!” I chuckled to myself. Been there, done that. Ellen chirped in “It hurts me to admit this, but I really don’t like my daughter much. I know I’m supposed to say what a wonderful child she is and how much I love her, but that would be a downright lie! I actually quite dislike her.” A shocked gasp escaped most lips as we looked around at one another. Mona dived in. “It really hurts me to admit the same, but I really dislike my kid too. He has no integrity, he uses and abuses people and constantly embarrasses me! He is merely a watered-down version of my ex-husband, and that isn’t saying much!” The flood gates were opened and for the next hour, and several more bottles of wine, the confessions came pouring forth. I sat back, listening intently and felt everyone’s pain and frustrations, including my own. It struck me how little control we have over who our children become. We can teach them, guide them, lead by example, but the way they choose to live their lives in the end is their own personal choice.

Mothers really do get the raw deal. While fathers are often looked up to as the “hero” in the family, mothers are the ones who do all the nurturing, caring and protecting. They usually offer the safe cushion for their kids to fall back onto. But I truly believe that once our kids reach adulthood, it’s time to cut the umbilical cord. By then we’ve done our work. If they don’t know how to look after themselves by the age of 21, they had better learn fast! That might seem harsh, but at what stage does your mothering stop and your living begin? While it is true that many women have made their children and families the centre of their world, they are the very ones who suffer severe depression when the “empty nest” syndrome kicks in. With nobody left to focus on, they subconsciously realize that they have sacrificed and compromised and nurtured themselves right out of a personal life! When we look at our young adult children struggling to find jobs, hold relationships together or when we see them manifesting problem after problem, our natural inclination is to feel guilty and try to rescue them. But to have a balanced and fulfilled personal life we have to hold ourselves back from playing the eternal Florence Nightingale and allow them to make and learn from their own mistakes. When my older two children reached adulthood I made it very clear that the ATM had permanently closed down and would only re-open under extreme urgency. I refuse to adopt the role of Old Mother Hubbard and continue rescuing them into eternity. Today I choose to be their friend and role-model, not their savior. As for contact, I’ve also made it clear that contact works both ways and that if they don’t make the effort to contact me, I will do the same. Monkey see, monkey do. It is not my sole responsibility to manage my relationships with my kids. They have to be held accountable for their 50% of the relationship. Many women slave away at building their children up and expect to be proud when their children reach adulthood. Those who are bitterly disappointed tend to internalize their pain and feel guilty that they didn’t turn out well balanced children. But we need to realize that we’ve done our best. If our best wasn’t always good enough for our kids, then so be it. Now that they are adults they have to take 100% responsibility for their own lives. As do we. Now where is that glass of Pina Colada? I’m off to take a well deserved holiday from mothering as I sit back and watch my adult children grow into themselves, with not an iota of guilt thrown in to spoil the mix. This is as real as life gets!

(*Names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

YOU ARE WHAT YOU READ!

2010-07-27T05:17:00.000-07:00

You’ve all heard the saying “You are what you eat”. And “You become what you hang around with” (I’m trying to drum that into my teenager’s head). Well you are also what you read. Just for one day become conscious of what visual material you subject yourself to. If you are like most women, you buy at least two or three glossy fashion magazines every month (I know some women drop these into their grocery baskets hoping hubby won’t look at the till slip). For many women reading their monthly glossy it’s a relaxing ritual. Hot bubbly bath, glass of wine and glossy mag. Ah! Relaxation. Not so fast Sally. Did you ever stop to think how paging through your glossy acts on your subconscious? Allow me to explain.

Consumerism is driven by sex. Companies advertising anything from alcohol to cars know that the more seductive their ad appears, the more likely they are to be successful in their marketing campaign. Half-naked women draped over cars, sexy girls sipping alcohol, super models dressed in see-through lingerie are all designed to make us want to buy the products. And you’d think these ads were only targeted at men. But since women have become conditioned to aspire to be like super-models (aka stick insects), we simply cannot escape the way consumerism has us by the short and curlies, if you’ll pardon the expression. Thanks to the sex-driven media we now label all people as beautiful or ugly. Fat or sexy. There seems to be no in-between anymore.

Women are taking glossy magazines at face value. They rush out and buy the latest fashion without thinking about whether it suits them or not. If you’ve ever spotted a very overweight woman squeezed into a mini skirt you’ll know what I mean. While make-up tips on how to look flawless are always handy, who actually has the time to spend on airbrushing your face when you’re late for a meeting and the dog has just puked all over the sofa? While it’s cute to see pictures of Paris Hilton’s cellulite butt (showing the rest of us how normal we actually are) the majority of air-brushed pictures in the rest of the magazine actually condition us to aspire to perfection. The desire for a perfect pout has caused many celebrities to rush off and get tuna-lips with a little help from their plastic surgeon and a needle or two. Does it look ridiculous? You bet! Just look at pictures of Nicole Kidman and Elizabeth Hurley! This just proves that even celebrities become victims of the quest for perfection. But the quest for perfection doesn’t stop at the lips. Women are having major dentistry done to straighten and whiten their teeth at a considerable cost, all in the name of perfection. While it is certainly important to be well groomed and to take care of your appearances, where exactly do we draw the line? To what lengths will we go in the name of perfection? Breast implants. Tummy tucks. Face-lifts. Liposuction. Nose-jobs. Anal bleaching. Anal bleaching? Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous? Who in their right minds goes to a clinic that bleaches your anus? Our grannies never bleached their anuses and they survived. Why shouldn’t we?

To say we’ve become victims of the media would be a gross understatement. We can’t seem to escape the message of perfection. But what we can do is be more conscious of what we put into our minds, not just our bodies. Be selective when buying fashion glossies. Pull yourself back slightly so you notice the stick-insects that qualify as models. And keep reminding yourself that anorexia isn’t beautiful, that straight teeth aren’t automatically sexy and that big breasts can actually be uncomfortable and give you back-ache. I think the most important question we have to ask ourselves is this: who exactly are we trying to be perfect for? Men? Other women? Ourselves? And who benefits when we spend all our hard-earned cash on trying to achieve perfection? We have to accept the fact that we are perfect just the way we are. When we love and accept ourselves the way we are we allow others to do the same. One solution? Boycott fashion magazines or get petitions together demanding that they hire older, meatier models to show off their fashions. Change always starts with a few passionate individuals.

Amour Setter
Author of “The BITCH’S Guide to Dating”
www.amoursetter.com

ANTI MISANDRY MY FOOT!

2010-07-22T03:38:00.000-07:00

While browsing the internet the other day I came across a website dedicated to anti misandry, with the slogan “Curing Feminist Indoctrination.” Intrigued I ventured deeper and read some of the blogs and posts. Then I did something I probably shouldn’t have done and shot myself in the foot by replying to a post, stating that not all feminists are man-haters. I, for one consider myself to be more of an activist than anything else, with a passion for assisting women to empower themselves in society. I am also very comfortable being transparent as a writer. Imagine my disgust when I not only received an insulting hateful email from the moderator of the site calling me a stupid bitch, but read some pretty insulting comments from some of the male members of the site in response to my comment. I invited the feedback, I did not invite the verbal abuse. Aggression and insults spewed forth in their responses to my comment and I was left feeling more passionate and driven than ever before to soldier on in an attempt to reduce abuse towards women. When I tried to respond to their comments on the site I found I had been blocked. Ha! I’m flattered they feel that threatened by me!

Their site explains misandry as the hatred of males as a sex and claim that their site “works towards removing misandry from our culture”. Whose culture, I wondered in the first place. Global culture or American urban culture? They further argue that “disrespect of men is expected, condoned, perpetuated and even taught” and then go on to accuse the government of having a hand in supporting and enforcing the notion in society that men are abusive, stupid and paedophilic. I was a bit gob-smacked. Blaming the government for their woes seemed a bit paranoid to me. They argue that women are portrayed by the media as “smart, sexy, sassy and capable”. I wonder which television programs they watch because the ones I’ve seen portray women as stupid, slutty gold-diggers in general. Hell, just watch Sex and the City! Do those characters strike you as smart, sassy and capable? In my humble opinion they give women a bad name. Movies like that portray women as shallow with nothing better to do than shop for shoes and spend men’s money. That, my dear friends, is exactly the way women are portrayed in the media. I can’t help wondering what terribly bad experiences these members of the anti-misandry website underwent with women to get to the point where they would congregate on a platform I can only describe as misogynistic. Other articles on the site indicate their blatant paranoia. Lester Burnham’s article “Feminism is a Communist Plot” explains: “Feminism is a Marxist strategy designed to undermine the family and all other traditional institutions so that the primary relationship individuals have is ultimately with The State.” In another article the administrator asks its members to “follow the old line of wisdom, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything." I wondered if he thought about his own advice when he called me a stupid bitch. Thankfully its Facebook page only has 83 members!

The truth is it’s still a man’s world out there. While I do acknowledge that there are women out there who wouldn’t think twice about taking their ex husbands to the cleaners, or falsely accusing a man of rape, that is not the way the majority of women behave. By and large women throughout the world have been historically oppressed and been on the receiving end of terrible abuses from men. Finally we are finding some respite thanks to female activists in communities and at government level. In the western world, that is. In the Islamic countries women are still being stoned to death for crimes they are innocent of. They are still being burned and maimed for dishonoring their families. In Africa women are still toiling in fields and raising their children alone while the fathers abandon their responsibilities at the drop of a hat. With no courts to assist them adequately, women simply continue their daily domestic struggles. In third world countries children are starving to death because their mothers cannot afford to feed them.

It would appear that the war between the sexes continues. Hating the opposite sex is not going to bridge the gap. Getting misogynists to congregate on a website that insults women is not the way to go. Real Men don’t abuse women. In any form. Perhaps Anti Misandry should rethink its strategy because the way they portray themselves will not endear women to their cause.

THE QUIET FEMINIST

2010-07-19T04:25:00.000-07:00

A true Feminist is someone who opposes male domination without losing sight of what it really means to be a woman. A true Feminist is not trying to be exactly like a man because she realizes that men and women are different in many ways. We want equality in terms of being paid equally, being able to vote and having a fair representation in politics, the corporate world, etc. But we also still want to be treated with respect and honor. Women truly are the “fairer sex”. We don’t possess the same physical strength as men so therefore cannot be expected to excel in jobs that require great physical strength. But we also don’t want to be reduced to jobs that historically were only meant for women, like nursing, child-raising, teaching, etc.
“ The meaning, value, truth and reality of feminism is its identification of and opposition to male domination, and its concomitant struggle for a human status for women in connection with other women, which is at no one’s expense, and which is outside male definition and control” (Denise Thompson (Radical Feminism Today, Sage Publications, 2001).
There is a quiet breed of Feminists in society who tend to be older, wiser and more “grown-up”. Many don’t even label themselves as Feminists, quietly supporting women’s rights and upholding the image of women in society. These women frown heavily on the new emerging Female Chauvinist Pig who essentially sells out the sisterhood by engaging in raunchy behavior that degrades and objectifies women. Many younger women today feel very insecure about their place in society. They are uncertain as to how to dress, behave and think because their sisters are essentially their direct competition. Skirts are shorter, blouses are more revealing and the media is showing more skin than ever before. The competition is fierce. To find a man women feel they have to be skinny and half-naked. They feel they have to behave like sex-kittens, dance around ridiculous poles and touch themselves and each other to turn their men on. And could we blame them? Isn’t this what is being projected by the media? Open a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine and really study the images and articles. “How to have better orgasms,” “The Best Vibrators on the Market” and “How to have a great Threesome” are subjects often explored. How are you supposed to have a better orgasm if you compare yourself to 14 year old half-naked models with perfect bodies in their magazines? If you feel self-conscious, fat and unattractive because the media prescribes beauty as being without cellulite, blemishes and fat rolls (thanks to the help of Photoshop) how are you supposed to relax and enjoy sex? My personal advice to women who cannot have orgasms is to stop buying glossy women’s magazines to begin with because that is the source of the problem. Buying into the addiction to perfection will make you feel unattractive. It’s no wonder Plastic Surgeons are making a killing! But the problem doesn’t stop there. Men’s eyes are also being trained to accept the media’s projection of beauty and so they tend to be very critical of women’s bodies when they don’t meet expectations as far as flawlessness is concerned.
If you are tired of being compared to an anorexic 14 year old and starting to feel fat and unattractive, isn’t it time you actually did something about it? Joining them because you can’t beat them isn’t an option. Here are some things you CAN do to help support women’s rights and make yourself feel better in the process:
• Boycott glossy women’s magazines. They are expensive and unnecessary and only serve to make you feel more unattractive. Learn to wear clothes that suit your personality and figure, not what’s being advertised in magazines.
• Write to the editors of glossy women’s magazines and demand they stop using teenage girls in their fashion spreads. Demand to see older women with more flesh.
• Support petitions designed to elevate women in society and get your friends to join in. The more noise we make about women’s rights, the more we will be taken seriously.
• Boycott strip-clubs and make it a deal-breaker if your boyfriend or husband visits one. Why should you have to compete against naked strippers?
• Make your man choose between you or his porn collection. There should only be room enough for you in his bed and his head.
• Dress more conservatively and rather let a man wonder what your body looks like beneath your clothes. Men love mystery.
• Throw your diet out the window and learn to eat smaller portions and avoid sugar and processed foods. Introducing moderate exercise into your lifestyle will help you lose weight without starving yourself to look like Paris Hilton.
• Boycott ridiculous movies and television programs like Sex in the City, Girls Gone Wild, Girls of the Playboy Mansion, etc. Don’t support the Raunch Culture and encourage your girlfriends to do the same.
• Never accept disrespect from anyone, especially not from a man. Don’t be afraid to let a man know when he has offended you with rude gestures, language or behavior. Men love knowing where they stand with you. And never laugh at his locker-room dirty jokes. They should never be shared with a lady anyway, so teach him how you want to be treated.
Amour Setter
Author: “The BITCH’S Guide to Dating”, 2010

HOW PORN CONTRIBUTES TO HUMAN TRAFFICKING

2010-07-07T01:42:00.000-07:00

Human Trafficking is now estimated to be a $50billion criminal industry, ranking just behind drug and arms sales. Thanks to several films on the subject, people are much more aware of what Human Trafficking is. The question is how did this get to be so out of control? Although many governments have become more deeply involved in fighting this human atrocity, I believe they are going about it in the wrong way. When I get a splinter in my finger, I don’t put a plaster or bandage over it, I simply take it out with tweezers. Likewise, we have to get to the root of the problem in society, because no amount of laws, police officers, awareness campaigns, etc are going to help if we don’t address the root of the problem. In my opinion pornography and the rise of the Raunch Culture could be a huge contributing factor to the currently high number of human trafficked victims. Why? Because the way women are viewed in society today does not lend itself to respectful behavior. Switch on your television, open a magazine, look at a billboard on the highway, visit your local cinema and really take a look at how women are being portrayed. Half-naked and portrayed as stupid, shallow gold-diggers it is not surprising that men are growing up believing that women are there merely for their sexual pleasure! One would think that women everywhere would rally together to stamp out this view. But unfortunately the opposite is true. Women have literally bowed down to cater to men’s needs without even realizing it. In days gone by pornography and strip-shows were frowned upon by society. Today porn stars and strippers are celebrities! These sleazy embarrassments have become our daughter’s role models. Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and of late Miley Cyrus who all parade around half-naked and flash their private parts for the world to see do nothing to enhance respect for women in society. When I was a teenager I did ballet lessons. Today’s teenagers are taking pole-dancing lessons. What does that say? Have you noticed how these guilty women will defend themselves quite aggressively when you make derogatory remarks about stripping or porn? They will argue that stripping is a respectful way to pay for their studies or they will argue that it is cool to go to a strip bar with your boyfriend. Since when is it cool to turn women into sex objects? Do they realize they are contributing to the escalating number of women being trafficked into the sex industry by supporting the view in society that women are sex objects? Wake up girls!
Realizing we have a huge problem in society and that we are contributing to the problem is one thing. Doing something about it is quite another. When will women wake up? When their daughter gets kidnapped and simply vanishes? When their sister goes away on a holiday and never returns? When they get raped at gunpoint in their own homes? When their little girl of 5 is gang-raped by 10 guys? Get with the program and help stamp out the view in society that women are sex objects.
1. Boycott all television shows and films that support the view that women are sex objects (Girls of the Playboy Mansion, Girls Gone Wild, etc)
2. Make your men throw out their porn collections and force them to choose between you or their sleazy literature
3. Dress elegantly and avoid revealing clothes
4. Teach your sons that porn is sleazy and teach them how to respect women
5. Set the example to your daughters by making it clear you don’t support anything that portrays women as sex objects
6. Choose your friends carefully. If you hang around with women who frequent strip bars you will be cast in the same light!
7. Strip bars should be deal-breakers in your relationship. So should porn.
8. Learn to stand up for yourself and never accept disrespect from a man
9. Don’t engage in casual sex, which perpetuates the view that women are there for sexual pleasure.
10. Learn to behave in self-respecting ways
We can all do our bit to bring down the number of women being trafficked around the world by making some changes in our own back yards. They say charity begins at home. So does global change.

DRAWING BOUNDARIES

2010-07-06T01:48:00.000-07:00

Women are so absorbed by men in society that often we are even too afraid to draw our boundaries for fear of getting marching orders. Instead of standing up for what we believe in, and thereby gaining more respect from men, we tend to shut our mouths and open our legs, with dire consequences. Men don’t have any problems stating their personal boundaries, and often tell us that if we don’t like it, we can lump it. We could certainly learn a thing or two about boundaries from the men in our midst.
My last blog was about pornography and why we should make our men choose between us and their porn collections. The response I received was overwhelming. Most women agreed that they do not enjoy competing against porn stars, but a few said they didn’t mind their men watching porn or going to strip clubs with their friends on a regular basis. I can’t help but pity these women and have to wonder what other personal boundaries they have compromised to keep their men happy. Surely women realize how they are short-changing themselves by allowing a man to indulge in porn and drool over other naked women? But why do we find it so difficult to draw our boundaries? After searching for “The One” for ages, do we suddenly feel that our new man must become the centre of our world and own our hearts even if it means compromising our boundaries, values and principles for him? If you asked your man to choose between you or his friends, he’d ask you to take a flying leap off a very tall building. And he’d be entitled to do that. After all, why should he compromise his values, principles and life-long friends for you? Women have lost a great deal of respect from men in general, and the only way we are going to get it back is to stick to our guns. Because a lot of women simply give in to their men’s demands, men have become accustomed to getting what they want from women. With girls as young as 11 and 12 sleeping with their boyfriends, it’s no wonder that men are used to getting sex whenever and wherever they want it. It’s easier to stand your ground and risk some resistance than it is to give in and risk a deep resentment growing inside of you! We cannot continue to compromise our values and principles in order to keep our men happy. We are simply shooting ourselves in the foot and making our own lives miserable. I’ve heard so many divorced men say “I had no idea we had problems in our marriage, I was completely shocked when my wife filed for divorce!” That’s because women don’t discuss their values and principles and keep compromising them for the sake of peace. And then one day, out of the blue, she blows up and decides she wants out. And it’s usually ten years and two kids down the line. Now it isn’t just her happiness at stake, it’s the entire family’s! If only she had just been courageous enough in the beginning to state what her boundaries were and made sure her man respected them. Life could have been so much easier.
We need to take control and say what we mean and mean what we say. No means no. Demanding respect from your man means making sure you are the only woman in his life getting all his sexual energy. It means that he doesn’t drool over other naked women out of respect for you. It means that he respects the things you feel strongly about and supports you in your efforts. Never be afraid to tell your man what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship. No matter how much you like him in the beginning, if he has no respect for your boundaries to begin with, he never will, so you’ve not lost anything. In fact, if he scoots because you’ve made it clear you won’t accept certain things then he’s just done you a great favour. He would only have wasted your time, so good riddance to a disrespectful rat!

WHY PORN IS DANGEROUS TO YOUR SELF-ESTEEM

2010-07-05T05:11:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up men used to subscribe to magazines that depicted naked women, but stars covered their nipples and genitals. Today porn is everywhere, even at your local grocery store! And the only stars covering anything can be found on the cover ratings. Five stars equals hard-core. Since the Raunch Culture has permeated every nook and cranny of our society, women have become very confused and distressed about where their own boundaries lie. You would be forgiven for thinking that in order to secure a boyfriend you have to A) accompany him to the local Stip Club, B) indulge him in his pornographic addiction and C) serve him dinner every night dressed in a g-string and nothing else, while he watches porn on his laptop. Because we’ve been subjected to the Raunch Culture for so long, we have literally become brainwashed into believing that this is the way we are meant to behave.
Pornography has demeaned women so badly that we don’t even realize it as we go along for the sleazy ride. Shumley Boteach puts is so perfectly in his book “Hating Women” (Regan Books , 2005) that I couldn’t have said it any better! “The truly unfortunate element in the prevalence of pornography is the acceptance that so many women silently or overtly provide by refusing to demand that their husbands and boyfriends turn off the computer and turn them on instead!” Pornography reduces women to mere sex objects and sadly we are accepting this. By accepting this we perpetuate abuse and the view that all women are stupid, shallow bimbos looking for a meal ticket. Even my fifteen year old son (and believe me, he is well-trained in the art of treating women) laments that all women want to blow their husband’s money. Where in the world does he get that notion from, when his own mother is a fiercely financially independent woman who has never received any financial help from the men in her life? It’s clearly the impression he gets from society. Television is banned in our home because I don’t want him growing up viewing women as degraded bimbos only good for one thing. Internet access is also severely restricted in our home because young minds can become warped and damaged from viewing sexually explicit material. Men laugh in my face when I tell them pornography is dangerous to relationships, and a few have wished me luck in getting any man to get rid of his porn collection. But the reality is something many people aren’t willing to acknowledge. Let’s take a look at exactly why porn is dangerous to relationships:
1. Porn is only a one-dimensional experience which means men who indulge in this practice very regularly miss out on learning how real emotions work
2. Excitement has to be generated constantly with an ever-changing visual image, hence the fact that men keep buying more and more mags or view different websites all the time for stimulation
3. Porn becomes an addiction because the viewer needs more and more stimulation to achieve the same level of excitement once experienced
4. Once pornography enters a relationship the woman immediately becomes subordinate because she has been objectified and commoditized

Women wrongfully think they have no right demanding their men choose between them or their porn collections. They feel that they will appear as a nag or insecure woman if they voice their opinions. But the truth is that women have every right to demand fidelity. Men do! One of my ex’s (who couldn’t perform very well in the bedroom) was secretly addicted to porn. When I bust him he had the cheek to try blame me by saying that the reason he looked at porn was because he found me such a turn-off (an excuse I’ve often heard women relate). Men need to grow up and realize that we want to be involved with real men, not teenagers. Start asserting your self-respect by demanding he makes a choice. Permitting your man to continue with his regressive and adolescent behavior only wears away at your self-esteem. How can you possibly compete with Miss April, who is a perfect 10 ? The more a man views pornography, the more “trained” his eye becomes to spot flaws. Yours! It also encourages him to fantasize more about other women when having sex with you. You are the only woman who should be receiving your man’s sexual energy. So what if it’s out of fashion to object? Who dictated that “fashion” to begin with? Men! There is nothing wrong with calling your man to account for his less than gentlemanly behavior. You don’t have any problem calling him to account for farting in front of you, or burping like a pig at the dinner table. Pornography causes a man to lose focus on you, his woman. If you are no longer the sole focus of his sexual energies, your relationship is in trouble! To quote Shumley again: “A marriage is like a stomach. It needs to be fed regularly. And when you give the food away to someone else, the marriage experiences the pangs of hunger. When husbands and wives are not wholly focused on one another as the means of finding erotic excitement, they begin to drift apart.”

The bottom line is that pornography desensitizes a man. It impairs his ability to build deep relationships. When a man becomes removed enough, he begins to judge a woman by external comparisons and loses some of the excitement for her, believing that a more perfectly formed woman would provide him with the physical excitement he craves. So pluck up the courage and give your man a choice. You or the Porn Collection. Period!

THE PARENT TRAP

2010-06-28T10:45:00.001-07:00

Coming from quite a dysfunctional family, I thought that having a family of my own would give me a sense of belonging. So at the tender age of 18 I walked down the aisle with a man I didn’t really believe was my soul mate. But I married him anyway because I didn’t think I’d find anything better. Imagine my surprise when I found myself divorced with two small toddlers at the age of 23! (Er… what did you expect, doh!) Single parenthood was never part of the plan. My fantasy consisted of a happily married couple with a few kids, a dog and a big house with a white picket fence. Talk about self deception! Once divorced I threw myself into my career and was determined to live my life and achieve my dreams despite the fact that I was going it alone. Juggling single parenthood and a full-time career was not much fun. Try working on a film shoot for 18 hours a day, six days a week when you’ve only had three hours of sleep! Although I spent a lot of quality time with my kids (more than my married friends were spending with theirs), I couldn’t help feeling that I was somehow cheating myself out of a fulfilling life. I loved my kids, but I resented the responsibilities and demands of parenting two small children on my own. I continued struggling along and a few years later I found myself in what I thought at the time was a stable relationship. Two years later I found myself pregnant again. Instead of freaking out, I convinced myself that this baby was going to consolidate my new family and bring some much-needed stability into all our lives. Ha! Wrong again! Ten days after his birth, my then-boyfriend up and left, complaining that parenthood wasn’t for him and that he couldn’t see himself playing house any longer. Another big shocker. This time I was playing single mom to THREE kids! Looking back I don’t know how I did it. With no emotional or financial support, I burned the candles at both ends and tried to be Super Mom. How I didn’t end up a drug addict or alcoholic I’ll never know. Focusing on my career took up all my available willpower because I had huge demands at home: two junior school kids, a new baby, loads of bills and a bed shared by everyone including the pet snake! Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep. I reckon the only reason I didn’t go insane was because I was too tired to!
I coped and miraculously got through the teenage years with my first two kids. My daughter’s adolescence wasn’t too bad, but was I in for a shocker when my son became a teenager! He changed from a loving and kind little boy into a terror who wanted to destroy everything in sight. Especially me! I was called every mean and belittling name under the sun. I was lied to, manipulated, humiliated and embarrassed more times than I could remember. Thank God I had my career to focus on. When my third child hit adolescence I was about as excited for what lay in store for me as a rat is for a snake’s hungry mouth! I was literally dragged into the experience kicking and screaming like a wild animal. I knew the territory for I had been held prisoner in that hell zone for a number of years when my older son was a teenager. Although this time it’s not as bad as the last, I still find myself counting the months until he leaves home and I have my life back to myself again. Actually, when I really think about it, I never had a life to myself. I went straight from high school into a relationship and then into marriage with babies. So today when people ask me why I enjoy my own space, why I can’t fall asleep with someone else in my bed and why I loathe picking up dirty socks and wet towels I have to restrain myself from shouting “Because I’ve been looking after other people my whole bloody adult life and I just want my own life, do you fucking mind?”

Amour Setter
Author: “The BITCH’S Guide to Dating” 2010

FEAR OF LOVE

2010-06-28T01:20:00.000-07:00

If you’ve been single for quite some time and actively looking for a suitable partner, but coming up empty-handed each time, fear may be at the root of the problem. Some fears are so deep, we seldom even realize they exist! The best way to uncover relationship fears is to pretend you don’t want a partner and state your reasons. These “fake” reasons could include being afraid of losing your independence, your space or being afraid of intimacy and revealing your true self which would make you very vulnerable. You could also fear criticism, being left and abandoned or making too many sacrifices. Whatever your reasons, you need to embrace these fears and realize that they could be holding you back from finding your Ideal Mate. Sometimes we actually close the door to potential relationships because we haven’t yet deal with the pain of the last break-up. The important thing is to let those unresolved feelings surface and to allow yourself to re-experience them. Then let them go and tell yourself it’s time to move on. Often all we need to do is actually invite a relationship into our lives. Word of warning: when we are consciously working on attracting our Ideal mate, we will be presented with potential partners who fall into the “second-best” category. In other words, they may be married or involved with another partner. On the surface they may seem like our perfect mate, but in reality they are there to test our commitment to attracting our 100% Ideal Mate. Be firm. Do not settle for second best under any circumstances, no matter how lonely or desperate you feel. You deserve the best and once you affirm that to yourself and the world, you will be surprised at what awesome potential partners come your way!
Amour Setter
Author: “The BITCH’S Guide to Dating” 2010

A HAPPIER BODY, A HAPPIER LIFE

2010-06-26T02:46:00.000-07:00

Whilst it is obviously important to tend to our characters in an attempt to become better women, it is crucially important to attend to our bodies as well. You will never feel fantastic about yourself until you’ve reached a point where you are satisfied that you’re doing what’s necessary to maintain good health. With so much conflicting information out there, many women are confused about how to look after their health. My attitude is that prevention is always better than cure, so let me point out the basics:
• Exercise: cardiovascular exercise (like running, cycling, aerobics, etc) is very good for maintaining overall fitness and burning body fat. Three 40 minute sessions a week is a good balance if you want to maintain your fitness, but make sure you mix up the sessions by incorporating different types of exercises so you don’t strain one particular muscle group. The latest research shows that High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) is more beneficial for your body than conventional cardio exercise.
• Sport: research shows that women who partake in competitive sport manage stress levels better and are more likely to achieve goals in their careers compared to women who don’t do competitive sports. Try Golf, Martial Arts, Rockclimbing, Running, etc.
• Resistance Training: lifting weights will improve your strength and help give your muscles better shape, especially if you combine it with cardio and a good diet plan. It also increases bone density and increases your metabolic rate (the rate at which your body burns fat while resting, ie not exercising). The best way to approach a weight-lifting program would be to engage the services of a Personal Trainer, who would work out an appropriate program for you based on your goals.
• Diet: crash diets don’t work. The best way to lose weight is to increase your metabolism by eating 5 – 6 small meals a day (ie every 2 -3 hours) and cut out all High Glycemic carbs like white rice, potatoes, white bread, cakes, sweets, etc. Each meal should ideally consist of a combination of lean proteins and low Glycemic carbs (brown rice, sweet potato, oats, whole wheat bread). Don’t forget to include plenty of raw fruit and vegetables in your diet, avoiding fruit juices. Exclude diet soft drinks as these clog up your lymphatic system and actually cause cellulite. Avoid junk food and ensure most of your foods are organic.
• Meditation: this doesn’t mean you should close off your mind and not think of anything (that’s virtually impossible anyway), but ensure you spend time alone every day where you consciously unwind, breath deeply and let go of all tension in your body. I like to start my day with 20 minutes of mediation where I do deep breathing exercises, followed by focusing on my goals and talking myself into a positive frame of mind.
• Supplements: our foods are so devoid of minerals that we unfortunately have to supplement. Unfortunately most supplements on the market today are not well absorbed by the body, so many of us actually waste our money by buying inferior supplements. Pharmanex is the only company in the world that can actually measure how well their supplements work, using the Biophotonic Scanner (www.wealth4life.nsedreams.com). A daily multi-vitamin supplement is crucial in maintaining health. After only one month on Pharmanex products my health score reading went up drastically and I felt more vibrant and had tons more energy! Check out their Lifepak Nano and G3 juice, two products that can radically improve your health in only 30 days.
• People: we become who we hang around with, so choose your friends carefully! Surround yourself with positive people who love, respect and support you in life. If you need to lose some negative friends, do so. Your life will be richer for it.
• Attitude: a positive attitude will ensure you are able to deal with life’s knocks. The more positive you are, the more positive experiences you attract into your life. Learning to take 100% responsibility for EVERYTHING that happens to us and what we invite into our space means we can move forward in a mature and realistic way. Happiness is a decision. Decide today to be a happy person and watch how your life improves!

WHEN TO WALK AWAY FROM A DATE

2010-06-24T04:38:00.000-07:00

Women often ask me how to handle the first few dates and if they should wait to see what develops before they erect the boundaries. My advice is always to have healthy boundaries upfront so that abuse doesn’t even come into the equation. I’ve dated hundreds of men over the years, most of them mainly first and second dates and I’ve become quite good at judging where the guys are coming from. While it is accepted that men like to hunt and pursue, a great deal of men find women with very strong personalities intimidating. Women often ask me if they should tone themselves down so they don’t scare the guy off and I always tell them this: If the guy you’re dating continues seeing you because you come across as timid, chances are he’ll bolt once you show how strong you really are. So no, the answer isn’t to change who you are to suit the guy. Rather, remain true to yourself and if the guy can’t handle your strong personality, good riddance! Dating is a numbers game. That’s why I strongly advocate Rotational Dating, where you’re dating several guys at the same time until you’re left with two or three guys to choose from.
Don’t get bowled over by what the guy is telling you on the date. I’ve dated a few guys who actually turned out to be married and looking for some fun on the side! Remember that actions speak louder than words, so watch carefully to SEE how he behaves.
• Does he return your calls within a few hours or does he take a day or two to return them?
• Does he text rather than call you back when you’ve left a voice mail for him?
• Does he cancel dates at the last minute?
• Has he made any snide remarks about what you are wearing or how you look?
• Do you get the impression he is somehow avoiding your calls?
• Do you suspect that something is not quite right?

Always trust your instincts. If you suspect something fishy is going on, something fishy is probably going on! Pull back immediately and stop all contact. Walk away with your head held high and risk being seeing as a difficult BITCH rather than having your heart broken by some idiot who’s two-timing his wife. Be very wary of men on dating sites, take everything they tell you with a bag of salt and keep your distance until you feel safe opening up. There are many guys on dating sites that are married and seeking some no-strings-attached-sex on the side. If the guy is genuine and you’ve walked away and cut off all contact, chances are he will still continue to pursue you. And he’ll work a little harder to gain your trust so you’ll have lost nothing. Women often fool themselves into believing a guy likes them when in fact he’s not interested at all, but doesn’t have the balls to tell you. Learn to tell the Smooth Operators from the Genuine Guys, and if you can’t, best to assume he’s a Smooth Operator. That way you won’t get your heart broken.

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating, 2010

HOW TO ATTRACT A DECENT MAN

2010-06-22T03:16:00.000-07:00

In my book “The BITCH’S Guide to Dating” I talk about the Law of Attraction and how to apply these principles to attracting a decent man into your life. What I always emphasize to women is that you cannot hope to attract a great guy unless you become a great girl. Like attracts like. Birds of a feather flock together. The best way to attract a good man into your life is to work hard on improving yourself and becoming the best person you can be. Do whatever it takes.

• Lose weight and get fit and healthy, if necessary
• Learn how to dress well for your figure & focus on your grooming
• Work at improving your character and make positive changes in your life. Although none of us are perfect, we can all work at improving ourselves in an attempt to become better and stronger people
• Learn to set healthy boundaries so people don’t take advantage of you
• Read daily motivational material to help you stay on track with your life
• Be generous and supportive towards those in your community. Do something charitable by either volunteering your time or donating to a charity
• Move away from abusive people and don’t accept disrespect in any form
• Join a dating site and date a few men (remember that dating is a numbers game)
• Don’t have sex with a man until you’re sure he has developed genuine feelings for you, which usually takes a few months
• Keep focusing on your life and keep working at improving yourself in every way
• Set monthly challenges for yourself by learning new skills and expanding yourself as a person

By following these simple ideas you will automatically start attracting better quality men into your life and with a bit of practice and lots of patience, you are sure to eventually attract your Ideal Partner who will be a decent man with integrity!

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating, 2010

WHEN TO DROP YOUR KNICKERS

2010-06-19T03:05:00.000-07:00

As everyone knows, I’ve been preaching Chastity for a while now since the release of my book “The BITCH’S Guide to Dating”. My reasons are sound, biological and well, sensible in this day and age. But every time I open a discussion about the subject, I am inundated with questions, mainly from men, regarding the timing of when to introduce sex. Men and women both agree that sex on the first few dates is a terrible idea, unless you both want casual sex with no-strings-attached. But as we now know, women don’t do casual sex as well as men do, thanks to the hormone, Oxytocin. I refer to Oxytocin as the super-glue hormone that makes women attached to men. For those who don’t know what it does, it literally makes women feel emotionally bonded to their men. And it also blinds them to men’s faults in a way, so that they stay with the men even though they may not be treated well! That, as far as I am concerned, is one of the best reasons NOT TO HAVE SEX with a man until you know him well enough. And believe me, you won’t know him after only a few dates!

The decision to cross the line and introduce sex into the equation is always the woman’s prerogative. Some men have indicated that they would not wait around very long if sex wasn’t on the cards. They argue that a relationship without sex is no fun, and I can’t agree more. The operative word here is RELATIONSHIP. To a woman a relationship means exclusivity. It means that the guy isn’t sleeping with anyone else. It means she’s meeting his friends and family and spending quality time with him OUTSIDE the bedroom. It means that they are a couple. We all know that men aren’t going to make that sort of commitment after only a date or two, so I always advise women to take their time getting to know the guy first before dropping their knickers. A decent woman wants to have a relationship with a decent man. And by decent I mean a man with a strong character. A man who is honest, honorable, reliable, dependable, respectful and cherishing. Many women can’t tell the difference between a man’s character and his personality. The personality is what you see projected in the beginning. And it’s damn easy to be bowled over by the personality, especially if the guy is a charmer! But spend enough time with the guy and his true character starts to show. A woman should be looking out for possible problems (“guilty until proven innocent” is always the best way to protect yourself from being hurt) and that takes time. When you know for sure you are dealing with a decent guy, you may want to take things to the next level. But before you jump in the sack, get some clarity!
1. Establish if the guy is willing to agree to exclusivity (ie no other sexual partners besides you)
2. Don’t have sex before you’ve met his family & friends
3. Do talk about contraception and who is going to take the main responsibility for it
4. Do talk about unplanned pregnancies and what action you will take if this happens
When you take a mature approach to sex, are willing to be open, honest and you know what kind of a man you are dealing with, then you will feel comfortable to introduce sex into the relationship, because by then you actually have a relationship to introduce sex into!
Amour Setter
AUTHOR: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating, 2010

ARE WOMEN REALLY LIBERATED?

2010-06-05T02:13:00.000-07:00

You would be forgiven for thinking that women have “earned the right” to look at Playboy Magazine, visit Strip Clubs and have casual sex like men. Male Chauvinist Pigs are men who regard women as pieces of meat. Female Chauvinist Pigs are women who make sex objects of other women and of themselves. Have we become quite mad in wanting to be more like men? Marilyn Munroe was famous for saying that we should be more ambitious than aspiring to be like men.
But who are our role models in society? Pamela Anderson? Britney Spears? The girls on the cover of FHM? The media has determined that all empowered women must be overtly and publicly sexual, so women are scrambling to get a piece of red-light entertainment skills like pole-dancing and stripping. And casual sex. Have we completely lost our way in the world? It would seem that way. In days gone by society snubbed its nose at Strippers and Porn Stars, today they are seen as celebrities. What is wrong with women today is that they cannot think for themselves anymore. The media says “Take off all your clothes” so they do. It says “Sleep with anyone you want” and they do. The modern-day “Feminists” are nothing but Female Chauvinist Pigs in disguise. They have completely lost sight of what it means to be a woman. Eager to be “one of the boys” and gain approval from the men in society (who clearly still have the upper-hand), they drop their knickers, flash their breasts and down beers with the boys while bonking the entire rugby team, claiming to be “liberated” in the process, while all the guys secretly slag them behind their backs and run bets on who will score next. Does this sound like liberation and emancipation? These FCP’s claim to be having a whale of a time enjoying total equality, but then wonder why they are still alone while all the other girls are getting into serious relationships. The truth is a man wants to come home to a feminine woman, not one of the boys. You cannot be fighting for equal rights while copying men and still expect to have men respect you. It’s a total contradiction in terms. There is far more power in maintaining your sophistication, and keeping your knickers on. Women were not designed to bonk and run because when they engage in sex their brains produce huge amounts of Oxytocin which causes them to bond emotionally to men. If a man isn’t thinking long-term (which 99% of men won’t after bonking her on the first date), he will dash for the door as soon as his post-coital cigarette dies. So where is the liberation in this for a woman? While FCP’s may brag they don’t give a damn if the guy they really like makes a bee-line for the door, most of them sob in silence because all they really want at the end of the day is to be loved and cherished. The answer? Keep your knickers on and your wits about you until you have some sort of commitment from the guy. I don’t mean that you should wait until he asks for your hand in marriage, but at least wait until he has actually developed some feelings for you. That way when you do finally drop your knickers, your man won’t disappear afterwards.

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating

WHY ROTATIONAL DATING WORKS IN YOUR FAVOUR

2010-05-31T06:38:00.000-07:00

Ladies, if you really want a long-term relationship with a decent man who will treat you right, you have to accept that dating is a numbers game. You are unlikely to meet your dream man the first time you go on a date. Nobody likes to have to deal with rejection, but men are certainly better at it than women, because they are used to dealing with more of it in their daily lives. That’s not to say they enjoy it! Who does?

To get you focused on finding Mr Right, I’m going to share some pointers with you that will fast-start you in dating.
1. Get a rotation of men going in your life. Try to see 4 or 5 men at the same time. Note I suggest “see” not “sleep with”. Doing this broadens your options and prevents you getting hung up on one guy. That way if one guys dumps you it doesn’t feel so bad because there are other men focused on giving you attention.
2. Take your time with all these guys you’re seeing. Fitting them into your schedule will require a bit of juggling, but it’s worth it in the end. See some of them for a morning coffee or breakfast before moving onto evening drinks. Don’t invite any of them home until you feel comfortable. Make sure you’re dating away from your home and don’t go back to his place for a cozy “coffee”. This will definitely lead to him attempting to have sex with you. That’s what guys do.
3. If you don’t indulge these dates in sex, some of them will lose interest and stop calling you. That’s exactly what you want. Allow these pretenders to fall away because then you’ll be left with 2 or 3 genuine gentlemen who will continue courting you.
4. Now watch very carefully how the remaining guys treat you. Do you notice a bit of disrespect seeping through? Nip it in the bud immediately and let him know you won’t tolerate rudeness or disrespect.
5. If a guy asks you if you are seeing anyone else for dates, be honest and say that you are accepting dates from men because you are not in an exclusive relationship with anyone. This won’t freak him out if you are not sleeping with him, because he’ll realize that you are not sleeping with anyone.
6. Continue seeing the few guys, and still accept any dates from new men. There is no rule that says you may not date more than one guy at a time.
7. If you really enjoy a particular man’s company, continue seeing him and allow the courtship to move along by getting a bit cozier with him. Cozier means kissing and cuddling, not sex, because you are going to want to keep your options open and sex just complicates everything.
8. If a guy is really keen to have a relationship with you he will ask you for exclusivity. Provided the feeling is mutual, that is exactly what you want. This means he is offering you a form of commitment and wants you all to himself.
9. Now wait until he introduces you to people as his girlfriend. Congratulations, you may now drop your knickers and swing from the chandeliers. He is no longer applying for the position of your boyfriend because you just awarded him the contract.
10. Just because you now have a boyfriend, doesn’t mean you should ever relax your standards! Keep him on his toes by ensuring he continues to treat you with respect. Don’t take crap and keep focusing on your own life, hobbies and friends. Always let him fit into your spicy world, that way he’ll appreciate and cherish you.

Good luck!
Amour Setter
AUTHOR: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

HOW TO BE A SUPERBITCH

2010-05-29T03:18:00.000-07:00

A Babe in Total Control of Herself (aka BITCH) is exactly that: in total control of Herself. Which means she controls what comes out of her mouth. And what goes in. Do you qualify as a Super BITCH? Take a look at these pointers…
1. She controls her tongue when offended and understands that to retreat and say nothing is usually more powerful than to lash out with emotionally charged words. A man responds better to silence as this gives him the time and space to figure out his mistake.
2. She always has her own best interests at heart, so she guards her heart against being trampled on. She understands how men think and operate and guards against shallow advances.
3. She chooses her sexual partners very carefully and doesn’t partake in sex until she is sure her partner has genuine feelings and respect for her.
4. She never tolerates abuse and she quickly moves away from people who choose to project their aggression onto her. Instead of defending herself against verbal attacks, she simply ignores her attackers.
5. She possesses self-respect so she looks after her body by being healthy and therefore has no addictions. She does everything in moderation and never embarrasses herself in company.
6. She leads a fulfilling life and understands the importance of balance. She enjoys her work and her social time with her friends and family members and she contributes to her community in meaningful ways.
7. She pursues her own hobbies and interests independent of her man and understands that men fall in love with women when they are away from them.
8. She never pushes her friends aside when she has a new man and maintains her own routine regardless.
9. She understands that a man has to fit into her life, not the other way around. She doesn’t cancel her appointments to see him, he cancels his to see her!
10. She never thinks “I wonder if he likes me?” Instead she takes her time deciding if she really likes him.
11. She understands that actions speak louder than words so she is not bowled over by cheap flattery. She believes what she sees, not what she hears.
12. She understands that familiarity breeds contempt and maintains her space. She refuses to have an electronic leash around her neck 24/7.

10 RULES FOR GETTING WHAT YOU WANT FROM MEN

2010-05-20T02:52:00.000-07:00

Tired of always getting the crumbs from a man’s table? It’s time you took control of your life and started commanding respect! Guys are used to the way women behave since the majority of women have become so predictable in the dating game. The story goes something like this: A guys picks a girl up at a bar or a club, tells her about a thousand times how sexy and hot she looks, she gets flattered and falls for his charms. He pulls the moves and gets her into the sack on the first or second date. After sex he knows she will be clingy and want a commitment of sorts so he bolts. He avoids her like the plague and she’s going out of her mind wondering why he isn’t returning her calls. Sometimes when he’s horny and can’t find a bonk anywhere, he’ll call her. It’s usually late at night. If this sounds like the story of your dating life, congratulations, you’re a convenient booty-call! If you are tired of being treated like a sex object, it’s time for some powerful changes.
Rule nr 1: No Sex. Under any circumstances. No bedrooms and no getting horizontal. Your message should be loud and clear: “I don’t do casual sex.” You are not to drop your knickers until a guy has communicated he has feelings for you, and that usually takes 3 – 6 months of regular dating. However, if he sees you on the odd occasion for 3 – 6 months and claims he has feelings for you, but you haven’t met any of his friends or family, continue to keep him at arm’s length. And don’t be a tease. Don’t wear revealing clothing and don’t engage in heavy petting.
Rule Nr 2: Don’t be available to see him at the drop of a hat. Make him fit into your plans. If you are too available to him you become boring.
Rule nr 3: Monkey see, monkey do. If he takes a day to return your call, take a day to return his. When you start copying the bad behavior, it miraculously stops.
Rule Nr 4: Go on other dates. Don’t make him the centre of your world. Until he asks for exclusivity you shouldn’t sit around waiting for better days. There are millions of fish in the sea.
Rule Nr 5: When he is rude or disrespectful, put him back in his place immediately. If you accept a little bit of disrespect you will create a Monster.
Rule Nr 6: Maintain the mystery. Don’t always let him know where you are or what you are doing. Let him wonder, it piques his interest.
Rule Nr 7: Keep focusing on your life and don’t stop seeing your friends or pursuing your hobbies. The biggest mistake women make is to be available 24/7. You become too boring and predictable and he loses interest.
Rule Nr 8: Don’t over-manage the relationship. You are responsible for your own life and he is responsible for his. Don’t remind him to dress warmly, take out the garbage or remember his sandwiches. Don’t fight his battles for him and don’t assume the position of his mommy. The fastest way to lose a man is to nag him out the door.
Rule Nr 9: Wear what makes YOU comfortable. If he hates your red nail polish, that’s his problem. If he wants you to wear purple nail polish instead, tell him to jump off a bridge. Or find another girlfriend. Don’t allow your man to dictate how you should live your life or what clothes you should wear.
Rule Nr 10: Remain independent. Keep focusing on your life and your career. Don’t introduce him to any of your friends until you’ve met his. Keep some distance until you are sure he has genuine feelings for you.
Sound too difficult? With a bit of practice it will get easier. And before you know it you’ll have guys falling head over heels in love with you and you’ll be spoilt for choice. For a guy to respect you he has to know that you respect yourself. And no guy will fall in love with you unless he respects you. Good luck!
Amour Setter
AUTHOR: The BITCH'S Guide to Dating

VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN

2010-05-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

Violence against women continues to escalate at an alarming rate. “Violence Against Women” collectively refers to acts that are primarily or exclusively committed against women. The United Nations General Assembly defines "violence against women" as "any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or mental harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life." The 1993 Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women noted that this violence could be perpetrated by assailants of either gender, family members and even the "State" itself.
Several times, whilst browsing in my local dvd store, I noticed the dvd The Stoning of Soraya M. but was never quite in the mood for watching such extreme violence. Eventually I gave in and hired the dvd. Back home, I curled up in bed with a cup of hot chocolate and hit the play button. The Stoning of Soraya M. is a 2008 American drama film adapted from French-Iranian journalist Freidoune Sahebjam's 1994 book of the same name based on a true story. The international bestseller book tells the true story of one of the victims of stonings in modern Iran. Soraya M.'s husband Ghorban-Ali was an ambitious man, prone to rage with a lust for power. He wanted a way out of his marriage in order to marry a 14 year old girl but did not want to support two families or return Soraya's dowry. When Soraya began cooking for a friend's widowed husband, he found his excuse: abetted by village authorities, he accused his wife of adultery. She was taken away, buried up to her waist, and then stoned to death.
To say that I was deeply affected by this film would be a gross understatement. The Stoning of Soraya M attempts to expose the inhumanity of Sharia Law. Having had a taste of what it is like to be a woman living in a Muslim country it really didn’t take much to press my buttons regarding the matter. But being a Westerner I obviously had no idea of what it meant to be living under strict Sharia Law as a local. Sharia refers to the sacred law of Islam. All Muslims believe Sharia is God's law, but they have differences between themselves as to exactly what it entails. Modernists, traditionalists and fundamentalists all hold different views of Sharia, as do adherents to different schools of Islamic thought and scholarship. Different countries and cultures have varying interpretations of Sharia, as well. All Sharia is derived from two primary sources, the divine revelations set forth in the Qur'an, and the sayings and example set by the Prophet Muhammad in the Sunnah. Because Muslims believe in Sharia's divine origin, each interpretation of Sharia is considered "God's law," and therefore not subject to amendment by humans. Imposition of the Sharia is often accompanied by controversy, and even violence, due to discrepancies between Sharia and internationally recognized concepts of human rights and gender equality. The most contested aspect of the Sharia involves the canonical hudud punishments (e.g. amputation, stoning, lashing, and beheading). Other contested aspects of Sharia include unequal rules of evidence applied on the basis of religion and gender, and unequal rules of inheritance applied according to gender. Sharia's prohibitions on blasphemy and apostasy also depart from internationally recognized concepts of religious freedom.
Some historians believe that the history of violence against women is tied to the history of women being viewed as property and a gender role assigned to be subservient to men and also other women.
The UN Declaration on the Elimination of Violence against Women (1993) states that " violence against women is a manifestation of historically unequal power relations between men and women, which have led to domination over and discrimination against women by men and to the prevention of the full advancement of women, and that violence against women is one of the crucial social mechanisms by which women are forced into a subordinate position compared with men.” The World Health Organization reports that violence against women puts an undue burden on health care services with women who have suffered violence being more likely to need health services and at higher cost, compared to women who have not suffered violence. Several studies have shown a link between poor treatment of women and international violence.
But what can we do about the problem? We can speak out, we can intervene when we see women being abused because silence is consent. But above all, we can look after ourselves first and foremost to make sure we do not wander into potentially abusive situations. We have to learn how to be more assertive with the men in our lives. At the first sign of abuse or disrespect, we have to voice our displeasure. If we allow a bit of abuse in the beginning of our relationships with men, we only create monsters and set a standard for more abuse to follow. And above all, we need to learn how to listen to our intuitive voices. In my book The BITCH’S Guide to Dating I guide women through the process of learning to recognize and trust their Intuition. Let us stand together and help each other avoid abuse from men. In this day and age we have to teach our sons to respect women so that they do not perpetuate the abusive patterns of their fathers, because if our sons witness their fathers beating women, they will copy the behavior and violence against women will survive.
What are you doing today to help eliminate violence against women?

Amour Setter
AUTHOR: The BITCH'S Guide to Dating

WHY CHASTITY WORKS IN YOUR FAVOUR!

2010-05-12T08:50:00.000-07:00

Ladies if there is one book you simply have to read besides mine, it’s “Not tonight, Mr Right” by Kate Taylor. I laughed so much my sides were aching, but the message got home loud and clear: Chastity works in your favor. Kate Taylor points out that in order to get commitment from a man, you should make him wait for sex. And I don’t mean wait while you put the kettle on after the first date. I mean wait out however long it takes to get what you want before you give him what he wants. I fully support bringing chastity back into fashion again. Can we honestly say that we have made progress in getting what we want from men? I think not. I receive daily emails from women all over the world pouring their hearts out about getting dumped soon after they have sex with a man. Why have women not yet figured it out? Men are designed to want to bonk your brains out. It doesn’t mean he likes you, respects you or wants to marry you! It means he’s thinking with his penile brain which is 100% focused on getting your clothes off as soon as possible. Giving up your Candy Store on the first date will surely bankrupt you emotionally. You have to learn to give it up one Jelly Bean at a time.

Wendy Keller said “Keep your knickers on, change your life” and I couldn’t agree with her more. We have been taught to lose all our inhibitions and join men in the “no-strings-attached” approach to sex. But here is finally the scientific reason why that doesn’t work in our favour: when you start having sex with a guy your pituitary gland starts releasing a hormone called oxytocin (the same hormone that is released during childbirth). This hormone helps you to reach an orgasm and to increase the feelings of attachment you have towards your partner. Kate Taylor calls oxytocin the “Love Juice” by explaining that when your body is producing this hormone during sex, you actually bond emotionally to your sexual partner. The effects of oxytocin don’t wear off immediately after sex as the hormone can stay in your body for up to two years.

What this boils down to is that every time you bonk a guy you are risking forming an incredibly intense attachment to him. The more orgasms you receive, the stronger the ties that bind you. You are literally becoming addicted to him and simple things like his voice, his hand on your leg or even his smell can set off chemicals responsible for making you feel happy, trusting and in love. This bonding is so powerful that no amount of coaxing from your girlfriends can make you see what a rat he is if you happen to be with the wrong man! Oxytocin can literally make you go psychotic with infatuation.

Mother Nature definitely has a warped sense of humor. While we are literally going bonkers over a man after sex, they are going the opposite. While men also release oxytocin during sex, the effects can be completely neutralized by testosterone. Therefore, the more testosterone he has in his system, the less likely he is to bond with you after sex. Research shows that men’s testosterone levels will drop when they get married and drop further when they have children. But it rises again when he argues with his woman and if he gets divorced. His testosterone levels peak when he is single. So if you think that withholding sex from a man to encourage him to fall in love with you is downright manipulation, you are 100% right. But what’s wrong with getting what you want by withholding sex? Absolutely nothing. It’s what our grannies and great grannies used to do. The only way to turn the man’s feelings from lust to love is to keep your knickers on. In days gone by men courted women. Have you noticed that courtship doesn’t happen anymore? And why not? Because we open our legs too soon and send our men scurrying away in search of the next cheap candy store having a sweetie sale.

The other reason why you should withhold sex for as long as possible is so that you have a decent opportunity to check the guy out. He will tell you anything he thinks you may want to hear to get you in the sack (refer to my book “The Bitch’s Guide to Dating” on Lies Men Tell you when they want to have sex). Men can only pretend for so long and then their true colours start showing. By that stage you will be so glad you kept all your Jelly Beans in your candy store, especially when you find out he’s married with 2.5 kids. Just because you can have sex with any man doesn’t mean you should.

Scientists say that the hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, controlling the fighting, fleeing, feeding and mating urges in the human. They have found that early acquisition of a reward reduces the intensity and duration of dopamine activity in the brain but that a delayed reward increases it. Therefore, the longer you make a man wait for sex, the more excited and happy he’ll be. And the more inclined he’ll be to fall in love with you.

How long you choose to wait for sex is up to you, but considering that most men don’t fall in love before 3 – 6 months of dating a woman it therefore makes sense to make him wait until he professes his love for you. But a word of warning: if he tells you on the first date that he’s fallen in love with you, run like hell! Men have also figured out that certain women will generally only let their guard down when they have some sort of a commitment, and words are cheap. Money buys the whiskey. Or the ring. So you decide if it is sex you want (with all the bonding risks) or if it’s love you’re after. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship with a decent bloke, keep your knickers on and your wits about you. Or keep getting your heart trampled on.

THE WEAKER SEX

2010-05-12T06:36:00.000-07:00

Who do we blame for the outdated view that women are inferior and the weaker sex? According to Christianity, Eve was the temptress who brought sin into the world and led Adam astray. It was her fault that they were thrown out of the Garden of Eden. Since then guilt has always been laid at the woman’s feet. What I find so interesting is that this belief is still unconsciously held onto today. A great number of men still see women as “temptresses” and blame them for the fact that men are not able to keep their pants on, when the truth is that the men themselves have no control over their primal urges. Women are not the “weaker” sex and the sooner we start making that clear to society at large, the better. Women unconsciously still carry the “Eve-guilt” and tend to apologize for who they are in the world. They automatically take on subservient roles to men and will make many sacrifices in order to support their men. While it stands to reason that no man wants to be with an angry, competitive women who challenges him all the time, no strong woman wants to be with a man who puts her down all the time and believes her place is in the kitchen!

From a very young age we are primed for our roles in society. We buy our daughters dolls and prams and encourage them to look after babies. We buy our sons guns and action toys and encourage them to have adventures, fight and show their superiority. We teach our daughters to keep their voices down, to refrain from using bad language and to bat their eyelids whenever they want something. So we learn how to be manipulative and get what we want from men with our bodies and not our voices. It is no wonder that women feel insecure in powerful positions and doubt their own self-worth. There is a silent, unspoken rule that women should be in supportive roles only.

Many women only find their voices after they have hit the age of forty. I suppose we should be thankful for that, since it is better than not finding your voice at all. We don’t need approval from anyone to be who we want to be. If we needed Daddy’s approval during our teens, we may find that we transfer that need onto our boyfriends and husbands. From what colour lipstick we should wear to how short our skirts need to be, we seem to dote on men’s approval. I truly believe this is the reason why women have succumbed to the Raunch Culture, without so much as a second thought to what it is that they really actually want for themselves. Because we are so addicted to men’s approval, we squeeze our feet into impossibly high stilettos which we can barely walk in, get silicone breast implants and arch our backs as we pout and pose in so-called sexy positions to turn our men on. Sexiness is something that comes from within, it is not something you can fake. Anyone who fakes sexiness only ends up being the laughing stock of anyone watching. Inner power is where sexiness really comes from. When you are comfortable with yourself, have a strong sense of self-worth and have self-respect, you are sexy. Men agree that a self-assured, confident woman is a sexy woman, no matter what her dress size. The BITCH grooms herself to feel good, not to get approval from men. I believe we can improve our image in society by working on our approval issues. When we get to the place where we no longer need men’s approval, we will have made fantastic progress.

If he doesn’t like the colour of our lipstick or nail polish, that really is his problem, but we shouldn’t change that just to suit him. We allow ourselves to stoop to the position of the weaker sex by giving into men’s demands, especially when they involve doing things we don’t feel comfortable doing. My friend Sally bought a new red dress, which she felt made her look very attractive and sophisticated. The dress was tailored and came to just below the knee. Her boyfriend at the time told her she looked like a boring librarian and made fun of her every time she wore the dress. One day while they were at a restaurant having dinner she flirted with a man at the buffet table, much to her boyfriend’s horror. When he reprimanded her for her outright flirtation, she politely told him that some men found her “boring librarian” look very attractive. He never commented about her dress again.

We should do things that make us feel good, whether that means getting approval from men or not. If you hate sport, why go with your man to watch a game? Why do we ask men’s approval when we shop for clothes? You are more likely to get an honest answer from your girlfriend than from your man. Why do we back down and allow our men to make decisions for us? If we continue to do this, we will continue to be viewed as the weaker sex. A strong BITCH knows what she wants and she doesn’t care if the man in her life approves or not. It is time we set the record straight and let it be known that we do not need or want men’s approval. There is nothing weak about our gender. Weak is not being able to keep your penis in your pants!

Amour Setter
AUTHOR: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating

THE PHALLIC STATE

2010-05-08T02:57:00.000-07:00

When the whole culture has to take on the value of the phallus, we refer to it as a “Phallic State of Mind”. Most cultures today are completely governed by the Patriarchy, where women have been reduced to so-called nurturing roles of teachers, care-givers, secretaries and supporters. Women who manage to compete with men for power positions in society often take on a man’s attitudes and “sell out” to the sisterhood by becoming more and more like men in their attitudes. A few years ago I had first-hand experience of such a culture when I lived in the Middle East. My daughter pointed out to me on a blistering hot day in the desert city of Bahrain how all the buildings were shaped like phalluses. Not only was I completely appalled at how women were treated, but I was a mere sex object in the eyes of local men. Whenever I’d meet my Western friends for drinks or dinner at night I’d have scores of random Arabic men coming up to me and trying to get my telephone number, or shoving their business cards into my hand. They were pushy and sexually aggressive and I constantly felt violated.
According to writer Heather Formaini (Men, the Darker Continent) the Phallic State is the logical and rational state which sees feelings as something irrational and inferior. She goes on to suggest that women and men are both socialized to see this Phallic State as the superior state to live by. It is argued that because women are dominated by their feelings, they are precluded from taking part in any phallic enterprise, or as Heather Formaini puts it, the “enterprise of life.”
According to American psychologist Jean Baker Miller women are “caught with no real power in a situation militating towards failure,” while men “are encouraged from early in life to incorporate and aim towards living up to the highest values of their society.” Therefore it can be said that the Phallic State directs men towards achievement (success) and women towards supporting that achievement. When I was young, naive and newly married my then husband made it very clear that he did not want me working after I had children. He saw himself as superior in the marriage and I was forced to accept whatever decisions he made concerning our family. Needless to say this eroded our marriage very quickly and within a few short years I was heading for the divorce courts. It is suggested that many men marry for convenience, not love. One could argue that the wedding day princess fantasy could be a way of trapping a woman into buying into the institution of marriage. Although most men agree that they are in no hurry to get married, and that they certainly do take their time in choosing a wife, when he finally decides to settle down is he settling for his equal or is he settling for someone who will support his career?
The poet Andrew Harvey feels that the Phallic State actually robs men of their capacities for love and tenderness. Forced from a young age to suppress their feelings, young boys start to identify with their fathers and often start to view their mothers as inferior in the “man’s world”. Phrases like “Boys don’t cry” and “Stop being like a pathetic little girl” do nothing towards fostering respect for emotions and the grown man finds himself unable to express his true feelings. Being so far removed from one’s own feelings is dangerous territory in a relationship because relationships are primarily based on emotions.
Our primary concern as humans must be to one another and future generations. We must develop a new way of living, far removed from the Phallic State. We must develop a society that is intimately connected with love and tenderness. We must teach our boys to have respect for women and not reduce women to sex objects, secretaries and maids, but to see them as equals. Women need to encourage their sons to talk openly about their feelings and reprimand them when they talk disrespectfully about women and girls. Women can no longer take responsibility for men’s feelings (or lack of feelings) and we need to realize that we cannot and should not manage more than our 50% of relationships with men, but encourage them to get in touch with their suppressed emotions and meet us halfway.

Amour Setter
AUTHOR: "The BITCH'S Guide to Dating"

CLASS DISTINCTION

2010-05-07T10:23:00.000-07:00

Ladies it’s time we got some facts straight about the current state of affairs with regards the Raunch Culture. I understand that the media has shoved this down our throats to the point that many, many of us have bought into it, but come on! It’s time we took a step back and really examined how we personally feel about this, rather than just “going-with-the-flow”. I’ve been called judgmental for referring to strip joints as sleazy places, but I still cannot get my head around why some women cannot see this. Would you honestly say that strip joints are classy places? Somewhere you’d take your Mother-in-law for a cocktail? Or maybe the local church Minister? There is something very degrading about putting a half-naked woman on a stage, and paying her to move her body suggestively about with hordes of men drooling over her. Would you honestly say men are simply admiring her great legs and thinking she’d be a great girl to marry? If this is what you think, then you need to do a serious reality check. There is a huge difference between being a ballet dancer in a prestigious dance company and being a stripper. If strippers were really so proud of their jobs, they’d have it on their resume’s for heaven’s sake!
In my opinion it boils down to self-respect. Call me a prude, but I would never take my clothes off for money, and neither should you. Some women argue that certain women don’t have a choice because their financial positions are so desperate, and I’d say nonsense! You ALWAYS have choices in life. It’s true, some young girls have been lured into stripping for the money, but do they honestly feel proud of what they do? Do they openly advertise that they were once strippers? I think not. And there is a good reason they don’t. Because deep down inside they actually feel ashamed to have stooped so low!
What you do in your bedroom with your man is your private business. If he wants you to give him a lap dance or do a sexy strip-show, that’s your business. But remember one thing about guys: they don’t want to see you do things that girls in strip joints do because it changes their view of you. My friend Andrew recently told me a story about his ex-girlfriend. Apparently she came to him one day out of the blue and announced that she was doing pole-dancing classes. He was quite shocked because it certainly wasn’t something he wanted her to do, but he didn’t try to stop her. Very soon afterwards the relationship started to fizzle out because his view of her began to change. And I think he started to lose respect for her.
Keeping your man sexually happy is not your responsibility in the relationship. It works both ways. Both partners have to continue working at the relationship, which doesn’t only mean the sexual aspect. The channels of communication have to be open and there needs to be a great deal of honesty and trust.
My greatest concern about the Raunch Culture is how women are still being portrayed as sex objects. One would think we have actually come a long way since the 60’s, but we seem to have gone backwards. How can we continue expecting equality when we support women parading around naked, flaunting their private parts in men’s faces? This degrades our entire gender and reduces us to objects that are abused, mistreated and taken advantage of. But how do we make progress and support one another in an attempt to overcome this negative view of women? We boycott strip clubs, we speak our minds, we make a noise when we see women flaunting their naked bodies and wrapping themselves around poles because we know this degrades women in general. We don’t reduce men to sex objects. And they shouldn’t reduce us to sex objects either. I vote we stand together and uphold the view of women as classy and sophisticated beings.

Amour Setter
AUTHOR of "The BITCH'S Guide to Dating"

BITCHES DON'T STRIP OR POLE-DANCE!!!

2010-05-06T08:39:00.000-07:00

Women think they have come so far since the contraception pill and bra burning brigades, coupled with marches for equal rights, but have we? Back in the 60's there were strong Feminists fighting for equal rights and working hard to get recognition for women in the workplace. The mere fact that men recognized women also had sexual needs was a huge milestone reached. But looking back over the last four decades I am not so convinced that women have progressed very much at all.

In our quest for equal rights we have become very much like men in many ways. Women are still viewed as sexual objects and what is even more frightening is that younger women actually embrace this perception enthusiastically! Back in the day ladies didn't frequent strip joints, which were viewed as tasteless places where sex-hungry men hung around. Today younger women are visiting these establishments for their own entertainment and to see how "real pole-dancing" is done! Certain gyms are even offering pole-dancing classes! Now I can hear many of my readers gasp in shock that I don't support pole-dancing and stripping, but the truth is, men don't want to have relationships with strippers and pole-dancers. They just want to have sex with them because they can. A decent guy would never dream of taking a stripper home to meet his family! Maybe that happens in the movies, but in real life men want women with class.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: to attract a decent man you have to behave like a decent lady. Wearing revealing clothes and letting your breasts hang out or having your crotch showing is hardly enticing to a decent man. Men love mystery and challenges. What concerns me very deeply is how far women have stooped in an attempt to catch a guy. Where did the notion come from that to be accepted by men we have to parade around like Barbie dolls with silicone breasts, fake tans and anorexic bodies? I guess one could blame the media for putting out that idea via shows like Hef's Playboy Mansion, Girls Go Wild, etc. But at the end of the day those shows are merely just pornographic material designed to please men, who are by nature very visual creatures. The alarming thing is that women support this whole-heartedly instead of raising the bar and refusing to stoop to such levels. Silence is consent. What are we saying as a collective group? That to objectify a woman as a mere sex object is ok?

The truth is that men want to settle down with women they respect. You will never be regarded as a man's equal if you parade around like a porno star, giving him lap-dances and tying yourself around poles. Men want women who challenge them and especially women who make them work for the "prize". Handing yourself to a guy on a silver platter robs him of his hunting strategy and he quickly loses interest and begins looking around for a woman he has to work hard to win. Be different to the run-of-the-mill girls out there who accept the fact that they are mere sex objects. Insist that men respect you. Set healthy boundaries and make it clear to men that you won't tolerate rude behaviour and that you won't be put in the same class as strippers and hookers. But in order to get that level of respect you have to earn it. Joining the boys at the local strip joint for drinks isn't going to do much for you in the respect department. Wearing your bikini to work isn't going to help either. Sophisticated women with class attract sophisticated men with class. Are you willing to settle for anything less than a decent guy who respects you and treats you like a queen? Become that queen by keeping your wits about you and behaving like a lady.

We may all be forgiven for thinking that in order to win a guy we have to a) look like a bimbo and b) act like a man because this is what the media projects. No man is going to respect you if you don't respect yourself, and learning how to pole-dance is certainly not going to win you any male respect, I can assure you of that. There is a good reason why strippers and hookers are looked down upon by society, but let's not stoop so low that we consent to being seen as mere sex objects.

You will be forgiven for thinking me very judgemental here, but the truth is we have to change our strategy or healthy relationships will continue to elude us. If you are just looking for casual No-strings-attached sex and enjoy porn, strip-joints and the like, go ahead. You have nothing to lose by parading around like a bimbo. But if you are looking for a healthy, secure and long-term relationship with a respectful man, you may find my advice useful after all.

Amour Setter
AUTHOR: the BITCH'S Guide to Dating

DEALING WITH CRITICISM

2010-05-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

BITCHES, its vitally important that you learn to surround yourself with people that will show you some respect. If you find yourself surrounded by people who constantly criticise you and bring you down, you have to take out your Magic Mirror and ask yourself why you are choosing to do this. Remember that the people around us mirror the way we see ourselves. So if you have low self-esteem, then it stands to reason that you will surround yourself with people that have little or no respect for you. The first step in elevating yourself is to refuse to believe what others tell you about yourself. People will often off-load their crap onto you in an attempt to feel better about themselves. Severe criticism says more about the person who's dishing it out than it says about you. If someone you love brings you some criticism designed to help you grow, then see it for what it is and choose to either accept it, or say "Thanks" and disregard it. The most important thing in life is the way you see yourself. Very often people around you will try to manipulate you or control you with criticism because everyone knows that criticism hurts. Your job is to grow a rhino skin and not get affected by other people's criticism of you. There was a time in my life when I would completely fold when people criticised me, but I've grown such a thick skin now that I've recently been accused of being a Narcissist! And that's perfect. What you think of me is your business, and what I think of you is mine. So next time someone comes at you with criticism, grin and realize it's all their crap that they're trying to off-load onto you. Just side-step it and move along swiftly. Your day and time is too precious to give your power away!

Amour Setter
AUTHOR: The BITCH'S Guide to Dating